A Lament for The Lost

I’m not crazy. But I couldn’t deny that I’d gotten close. I’d say I had a solid year left before I started making tinfoil hats and yelling at mushrooms in my backyard. Yeah. Twenty years locked in that house would do it.

I had several months before my twentieth birthday, but that mattered little to me. Nineteen years of being a prisoner in my own home had made my brain go cuckoo bananas. I only ever interacted with my parents, my brother Phin, and his girlfriend, Juliet. And I only saw her when he happened to bring Juliet by.

My parents loved me. I knew they did. Why else would they have done all of this? I had been homeschooled my whole life while my little brother had been allowed to go to public school, leave the house, and have freedoms that I hadn’t had.

They only let me out of the house once in a blue moon. Like now, for Phin and Juliet’s high school graduation. The happy couple wanted to do something small, so we went out to eat.

I tried to distance myself from my brother and his girlfriend, but mostly Juliet. It made me twitchy when she looked my way. Something about the smile she flashed felt off. Too bright. Too perfect. Too much like she’d gotten to grow up in the way she wanted. Maybe I shouldn’t have begrudged her that.

“More cake, babe?” she asked my brother.

Juliet held her fork to Phin’s mouth and he ate right out of her hand. Maybe it was better that I’d never had a boyfriend if people found stuff like that cute.

“Thank you.” My brother smiled with a full mouth.

Juliet shamelessly had her feet up on his lap and he had his hand on her legs. She didn’t have much shame on a normal day. She looked stunning and she knew it. She wore short shorts and a loose tank top. Her dark blonde hair hung down to the middle of her back, and her blue eyes popped against her almost sun-kissed skin. She stood two inches taller than me and six shorter than my brother, putting her at five-five.

I had dark, reddish-black and wavy— almost curly— hair that fell to my hips. My eyes were such a dark blue that they looked black in some lights. I hung on to seven pounds of baby fat. Maybe ten. Fifteen… I blamed never getting to leave the house. Being heavier gave me curves and a round face. My skin was a ghostly white, like my dad’s. I took after him and Phin took after Mom. They had both grown up as orphans, so we didn’t know their exact lineage. Dad had Chinese features, though, and Mom had Latina blood.

If someone didn’t know any better, they wouldn’t have been able to tell Phin and I were siblings. His medium brown mop-top and lanky body had apparently pulled Juliet in. That and the evergreen eyes.

I finished off the last of my cake and shrank back into my seat as the waiter returned.

“Can I get you anything else?” he asked my father.

“Just the check.” He smiled and the man left.

I sat back up when the waiter had left. As a general rule, I didn’t make eye contact with people. I couldn’t really talk to anyone but my family. Phin had had to order for me the first time the waiter had come around.

“You excited about ASU in the fall?” Mom asked Juliet while we waited for the check.

“Yup.” She smiled. “Phin and I are gonna go apartment hunting next week. You wanna come, Willow?”

Mom tensed. “I don’t think Willow would like being in the city. She would probably rather stay home.”

“Will?” My brother’s eyebrow went up. “Maybe you want to give an opinion.” He ignored the icy glare from our parents.

“I’ll go.”

My dad leaned forward. “I think it would be better if you stayed home, kiddo. You, me, and Mom can watch a movie. I’m sure your brother and Juliet want to do this together. First apartments are a big deal.”

Code for: Not happening. Don’t push it.

“I don’t mind, Mr. Warren.” Juliet flashed her perfect smile. “I think it’s a good idea for her to go. She’ll probably wanna be moving out soon, too. Maybe she can come with us. Get a job or go to college.”

Dad held back the angry comment I knew he wanted to make.

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” someone asked. It took me a second to realize it had been me.

Dad’s pale green eyes met mine. “Willow. You know why.”

“I know why you kept me in when I was a kid. You let Phin go have a life. I never said anything about it to you. I figured you wanted me safe. I’m nineteen. I should be allowed to have a life now, too.”

“You don’t understand, Willow. This is for the be—”

“Is it for the best? I literally cannot understand how someone who lives in a tiny town can be this paranoid I’ll get hurt. I’m small, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself. I’m stronger than Phin and you guys.” As long as I could remember, I’d always been a bit stronger and faster than I should have been. Mom always said I had good genetics— not that I would ever know for sure.

“It doesn’t matter. There are things in this world that you don’t need to deal with. When you’re older, maybe you will.”

Anger burned in my chest, but I couldn’t do much about it. I didn’t have a penny to my name, and I couldn’t leave. My parents only owned one car other than my brother’s, so even if I got a job, I couldn’t get there. They’d decided to get a house in the middle of nowhere— ten miles out from the closest store.

My parents had grown up fast, learning young to be afraid of the world. As if being orphaned hadn’t been enough, Mom had gotten pregnant with me at sixteen. The group home she had been in kicked her out. Dad wouldn’t stay without her and he’d been almost eighteen anyway. They’d gotten married, had me, and then had Phina couple years later. They’d had a hard life and they wanted better for me. The bubble they kept me in felt more harmful than it used to.

The check came and we left while I quietly fumed. We got into the car and Dad drove us home.

We had a small house. Our parents had started with nothing and had never really made it to a comfortable place. I didn’t remember a time when we didn’t have to worry about money.

The five of us walked into our one-story house and sat in the living room. I tugged at the fraying hem of my shirt and stared at the floor.

We all sat, pretending to watch TV. I could tell Phin and Juliet wanted to leave, but Phin wouldn’t ditch me. Not when he could feel a fight coming.

Then Juliet opened her mouth. “I think we should have a girls’ day, Willow. We can get our hair or nails done. I really wanna go out, but you’re my only other friend. Would you be up for a day of primping?”

My parents waited as if expecting me to turn her down.

Instead, I said, “Sounds fun. Maybe tomorrow.”

She smiled and opened her mouth to talk. My mom cut her off.

“No.” She sounded firm and angry. “She’s not going anywhere. Juliet, honey, I know you mean well, but Willow isn’t like you. She—”

“Hey.” I stood. “You’re the reason I can’t go out and talk to people. Maybe, if you actually let me out once in a while, I could be a real person.”

My mother stood, too. “We’re doing what’s best for you.”

Phin joined in. “Mom, you’ve gotta cut the cord. I get that she’s the oldest and you don’t wanna let go, but she’s going to move out one day. She’ll have a family and maybe move out of state—”

“This has nothing to do with you, Phineas,” Dad snapped.

“It does,” he bit back. “She’s right. You guys have a fit every time she tries to leave. Does she have a bomb in her brain that’ll blow if she goes more than a hundred feet from the house? You’re being insane.”

Mom looked to Dad for help. “What are we supposed to do about this?”

“Let her leave,” Phin said in a tone that made it sound obvious. “Let her feel the sun on her face. Maybe she can lose her transparent skin tone.”

“Phin,” Dad cut in. “Even letting you out is a risk. Letting Willow go is just too much—”

“Leonard!” Mom whispered. “What are you doing?”

He took a long breath. “I think we need to have a family talk. Juliet, sweetheart, can you let us have the night?”

She started to stand, but Mom held a hand out to her. “No. We’re not doing this now.”

“Then when, Jemma? The kids are—”

“Still kids,” she said. “They’re still kids.”

Juliet inched to the door. “I think I should let you guys talk. Phin.” She looked to my upset brother. “Call me as soon as you can. Okay?”

“I will.”

“No.” Her eyes looked serious. “Don’t do anything without calling me.”

His forehead wrinkled. “What would I do?”

I started walking to the door. “Juliet, can you take me with you?”

“No!” my mother shouted.

Juliet squirmed. “Um…”

“Let’s all go,” Phin decided. He took my hand. “I’m taking you out of this house. We can go to Jules’s place.”

Juliet nodded sheepishly. “Yeah. Come on.” She rushed us out the door and toward Phin’s car.

My parents chased us outside. Mom called after me, trying to get me to come back, but Phin pushed me into the car, and we took off.

Juliet had a small place on the bottom floor of an apartment complex. When her dad had died, he left her everything. She had more than enough money to buy a better place to live, but she liked it there for whatever reason. She unlocked the door and we went in.

“That was awkward…” she said as she stalked over to the couch.

“My family crumbling? Yeah, super awkward.”

“Willow,” my brother said with a sigh, “it’s not her fault our parents are crazy.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I’m a little pissed off. I’m sure you understand.”

“Yeah. I don’t know what makes them so uptight. If you wanna go out, then you should. And if something happens, you defend yourself or don’t. That’s life.”

I arched a dark eyebrow at her. “Yeah. Totally.”

Phin tried to change the subject to something happier, but I stayed quiet as they talked. They chatted about ASU, but Juliet seemed bored with the idea— as if she had been playing it up for my parents.

She seemed fake at even the best of times, but I believed how obsessed she was with my brother. It meant she had good taste because he was the kindest person I knew. While they talked, I stood and crossed the room into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and looked for a bottle of water.

“Jeez, Juliet.” I popped my head over the door. “You got anything other than cherry soda?” I grabbed a bottle, prepared for disappointment.

Juliet appeared at my side in a second. She pulled it from my hands. “You can’t have this.” She sounded almost frantic. “They’re my energy diet mixes. Here.” She grabbed a water that I hadn’t seen and handed it to me. She put her bottle back and scurried to the couch.

I dragged my feet over to her and Phin, listening to more of their couple talk. It bored me as much as it hurt. I attempted not to fall into a black hole of negativity. The one where I lost time thinking about all the things I had never done and wouldn’t get to do unless I found a way out of my prison.

I stared at the ceiling, going in circles in a rolling chair when my phone rang. I answered it, knowing it would be one of my angry parents— probably calling to yell at me.

“Yeah?” I said into the cell.

My mother’s ragged breathing filled the line. “Willow! Thank god you answered.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Listen to me, honey. You need to take your brother and you need to run. Don’t come home.”

“What?” I got to my feet. “What’s going on? Why can’t I come home?”

Phin and Juliet turned to me with wide eyes.

“Because,” Mom said through heavy breaths, “they found us.”

“Who found us?” I breathed as Juliet and Phin rushed to me.

“I’m so, so sorry, Willow.” My mom’s voice broke. “If I had let your father tell you when he wanted to, if we’d moved farther… if I had done a lot of things differently… I don’t have time to tell you everything, but you need to listen to me. There’s a place your father and I own. It’s in Prescott. Just a little house—”

“You own another house? How?”

“Willow! Listen.” She gave me an address and Phin wrote it down. “You cannot come home. Do you understand? They’ll find you, too. They’ll take you and… I don’t even want to think about what they want from you.”

“Who?”

“Everything you need to know is in that house. It was our backup, in case this happened. You’ll find a letter, my journals, and money. Read the diaries and you’ll understand everything. What you are. What they made you. You need to leave now because they’re going to try to find you. Don’t let them. Get the journals and the money and run. Don’t look back and don’t—” The phone went dead.

My heart stopped as the phone slipped through my fingers and hit the carpet at our feet.

“What was that?” my brother asked. “Why do we need to run?”

I blinked. “I don’t know. But we’re going home.”

Phin gripped my arm hard enough to hurt when I stepped past him. “No, we’re not. Mom said to go to Prescott.”

“And Mom said a bunch of other stuff. We need to find her and Dad. I want them to tell me what’s going on.”

“Hold on.” Juliet waved her hands around before knotting them in her hair. “If it’s not safe for you, I don’t want you going, Phin. You could get hurt. You don’t know who found them. Or what it means.”

My brain couldn’t quite accept anything happening. The day had started normally. We’d all had breakfast together, then we watched a movie before going out for an early dinner. And then Mom told me to run for my life.

“This isn’t— I don’t understand,” I said to myself. My eyes went up. “I don’t understand.”

“Me neither,” Phin said. “But we’ll figure it out. Let’s go find Mom and Dad.” He dragged me to the door and Juliet followed.

Phin drove through every red light we came to and it still took us over twenty minutes to get home. Mom and Dad’s car had disappeared, and the front door had been kicked in. I ran inside and stopped dead in my tracks.

Two other bodies nearly slammed into me.

“What?” Phin asked.

“Don’t you smell that?” I turned to him.

“Smell what?”

“Blood,” I said as I followed the scent. I walked through the living room until I found myself in the kitchen.

Juliet gasped when we entered the room.

The once-white tile on the walls and floor had been stained a bright and angry red. A massive puddle of blood spread across the floor, and our mother’s phone laid right in the center.

The blood spread across the tile. It reached the border where the carpet started— soaking through the grey. I stepped back before it touched my feet.

“We’ve gotta go.” Juliet started tugging at Phin’s sweater. “Before they come back.”

I turned around and saw the rest of the room. The house had been tossed— with glass broken and furniture torn apart. All the little pieces of our lives laid shattered on the floor.

I doubled over and emptied my stomach behind the couch. My eyes burned from tears. This looked like too much blood for my parents to have survived.

But what had happened to their bodies? We left and got back outside. Phin didn’t speak as he tried starting the car, his hands shaking too hard to get the key in.

Juliet stilled them. “I’ll drive.”

He blinked and they switched seats.

She started driving and said, “So this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna pick up some stuff from my place, we’re getting that stuff at the house, and…” She paused as if contemplating whether or not to finish the sentence. “There’s this place in Washington we can go. It’ll be safe for us, Phin.” She tried smiling at him.

“No.” He violently shook his head. “We— You’re not coming. You’ll stay at your place and I’ll take Willow. You’ve got plans. I’m not letting you give them up.”

She carefully glanced at him while she drove. “You are all I have, Phin. I’m not letting you go.”

He stayed quiet until we got to Juliet’s place. She ran in for less than five minutes before she came back with a large bag. She shoved it in the trunk, and we headed for the house.

***

We pulled up to a tiny house at the top of a steep hill. The three of us got out and headed up. I went to open the door and realized we didn’t have a key. I didn’t see a hiding place for one either.

“What now?” Phin asked as he glanced around.

“Well.” I slammed the side of my body into the door and it splintered open. It didn’t feel like anything, but I blamed that on the shock.

Phin and Juliet looked at me with big eyes, but I ignored them.

The house looked empty and, for a second, I thought we had the wrong one. When we started walking around, I stepped on the hardwood floor. It creaked and the wood shifted enough for me to almost roll my ankle. I steadied myself and looked down at the uneven panel. I knelt down and my friends followed.

“I can’t get this up,” I said as I tried. “I need a butter knife or something.”

Juliet reached into her pocket and pulled out a hot pink pocketknife.

I took it from her and started prying the board up. I felt so stupid doing it— as if I had been trapped in a shitty horror movie, waiting for a guy in a mask to pop out at us. Nothing felt real.

I managed to get the thing up and I tossed it aside. Under the board, I found a box coated in dust. I pulled it out.

“This…” Phin stared at the box, “is actually happening. Isn’t it?”

“I think so.”

I opened the box and found three thick, black journals and an envelope on top of them. The envelope had my name on it. Just mine.

I opened it.

'Willow, If you’re reading this, I’m so, so sorry. This was meant to only be seen if there were no other options. And this means you’re in a lot of danger. Not that you haven’t been since the second I got pregnant with you, but now, the past is coming back to hurt you. We’ve done our best to try to keep you safe, but we should have known better. There was no hiding from what we were. What we made you. I’ll never get the chance to apologize in person. You’ll never hear the truth from me and your father. You deserved the truth.

We’ve been lying to you for a very long time. It was from necessity. I don’t expect you to forgive us, and you shouldn’t. We did all we could to give you a chance at the life you deserved. You and your brother. He’s not like you. NO ONE is like you. And that’s exactly why they want you back.

These journals are the ones I kept before, during, and long after my pregnancy with you. Everything you need to know is inside of them. Read them all, let Phin read them. You both need to know the truth about what’s coming next.

You’re not safe. Unfortunately, you never will be. Not as long as they exist. They will always want you. If they find you, their power will only grow. That’s what they want. All you can do is run from them. I’m sorry.

Love, Mom.'

I sat there for a full minute, staring at the paper. Eventually, Phin took it and read it aloud. I reached for the first notebook in the box. A piece of paper had been stuck halfway through it, with the words ‘Start here’ scribbled on it. Under that, it had instructions on where to find the money she and Dad had hidden. I couldn’t imagine that it would be a lot. I didn’t remember a time we didn’t struggle.

The note instructed me to go into the smaller of the two bedrooms and look at the top shelf of the closet. I had to haul myself up on the lower shelf and look into the darkness. I reached up and felt around for it. My hand hit cloth and I pulled it down. A duffle bag fell onto the floor and it looked way fuller than I’d thought it would.

A gasp left my mouth after I unzipped the bag. It had to be hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Something made a scraping sound above me, seconds before that something hit me in the head. Another duffle fell to the side. And then a third fell as well “Are you fucking kidding me?” I huffed to myself as I shoved the bag off my legs. I stared at the three massive bags and looked back up into the closet to make sure a fourth wouldn’t knock some more IQ points off me.

I stood with three giant bags of money that my poorer than poor parents left us. We could run for the rest of our lives.

A wave of nausea hit me, and I almost didn’t make it to the bathroom before the vomit ripped its way out of my throat. I hunched over the toilet for a few minutes before I rinsed out my mouth in the sink.

I stared at my reflection for a long while. I saw the same girl I had this morning. The timid, quiet, shut in. How could I survive without my parents?

I’d been wrong the whole time. I’d thought I had been in prison, but I had been in a sanctuary. I had been safe with them.

I pulled myself out of the bathroom and grabbed all three duffle bags. They weighed more than I thought, but I had no trouble carrying them out to the living room.

“What the hell is that?” Juliet asked as I dropped the bags.

“It’s a ton of money.” I sank to the floor. “How the hell did they get all of this? Can you remember a time Mom wasn’t cutting coupons? I can’t.”

Phin started going through the money. He counted for an hour before he finally got a number. He choked on the word. “Three…”

“What?” Juliet yelped. “Three grand!”

His eyes moved up and he shook his head slowly.

I blinked. “Three… million…”

“Where did they get three million dollars?” Phin shouted.

“Shh.” Juliet looked around. “Be quiet. You don’t know who might be trying to find Willow. They could be anywhere. Clearly, they’re stealthy.”

“Wait.” The space between his eyebrows wrinkled. “Willow. Why do you think it’s just Willow? If it was Mom, Dad, and Willow, it’s me, too. Right? Mom mentioned me in the letter.”

Juliet froze for a second. “The letter made it sound like it was just her. I guess I assumed.”

I looked back to the box with the journals in them. “I think I know where to find the answers we need.” I picked up the box and started on the first book, right where Mom had told me to start.

June 15

I found out today. I wanted to be happy. Leo and I made a baby of our very own. I spend my days taking care of the under-tens. I never wanted my child to have the life we have. I’m surrounded by people, but I feel like all I have is Leo and the baby growing inside of me. I’m not sure if this place is the place for our family.

June 27

We finally told Felix about the baby. He said he was thrilled with the opportunity. When we asked what he meant, he told us about the enhancements. I had suspicions before. One of my under-tens had been taken out of class to be worked with. He came back looking tired, but he didn’t tell me why. Normally, he’s so happy. He tells me everything. He talks to me all day long. I love him so much and I fear what they’re doing to him. I don’t want that for my baby. I don’t want them to be a subject. Felix promised that he’d get them the best care. There are a lot of things you can say about that man, but he always takes care of his own.

Their motivations are clear. They want stronger soldiers. That’s what they call us, what else are we? They send us on missions. We work for them.

The Lost Ones.

That’s the official name for us. We were lost and found. I don’t know much about when they found me. The scouters sweep hospitals for that kind of thing. They know where to look.

I read through the next few weeks, but nothing stood out. She mostly talked about how she felt and how happy Dad was about me. One entry caught my eye.

July 31

The first treatment was today. They said I was due in February and they needed to hurry and start before it was too late. The demon blood they injected into my veins burned for hours. They promised it didn’t hurt the baby, but how could it not? I felt like I was on fire. That wasn’t as hard to deal with as the vampire blood. That felt like ice. They always tell us to keep drinking it. An ounce a day, in case. It keeps us strong and gave us a backup should we meet our end. I’m on triple now. I wanted to know what this would do to my baby.

They said it was a girl.

I didn’t know I’d start loving her this fast. They said this wouldn’t hurt her. It makes her stronger. She’s going to be something amazing. The cost is weighing on me. They said she isn’t human anymore.

“Willow! What’s wrong?” Juliet shouted, grabbing my shoulder.

I didn’t know how to answer that, so I read the entry aloud to them.

“Is this a joke?” Phin ripped the book from my hands. “Why the hell would Mom say this?”

“I don’t know,” I sniveled. “Did she believe this was happening to her? Was she insane?”

“Will, our mother was a great many things, but crazy was never one of them.”

“What are you suggesting? That this…” I pointed to the book, “…happened? That Mom and Dad came from a place that collected kids and did experiments on them to make soldiers? Maybe, if it was just that, I could believe it. She said demon and vampire. She’s out of her mind. If I believe this, then I have to believe I’m not a human. I’m human!” I stared down at my body. My slightly short, human body.

Phin rested his hand on my knee. “There was a reason Mom wanted us to come here— a reason that our parents are dead. Don’t tell me that this doesn’t make sense. I think it’s true, some messed up… facility… that doesn’t want any liabilities.”

“Like me?”

“Like you.”

I still didn’t want to believe that my parents had been part of this world and never told us.

“Going under the assumption that this is true,” I started, somehow choking out the words, “then what are we supposed to do? I’m not a human and they want to kill me because of it?”

“No,” Juliet quickly said. “They never said kill. They want you back.”

“For what?” Phin said. “To stick her in a lab and poke at her?”

Juliet shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“How are we supposed to believe they won’t hurt her? They killed our parents. Everything from that place is evil.”

I didn’t want to talk anymore. I sat in the corner of the small room and went back to reading.

December 5

Only a couple more months before she’ll be here. Leo is the happiest I’ve ever seen him. I try to match the joy, but I can’t. I know what we’re bringing our daughter into, what kind of life she’ll have. It isn’t a life. One of the nurses told me this wasn’t the first pregnancy they’ve done this with. When I started asking questions, she clammed up. I guess I’ll need to find answers myself.

December 14

Twelve. How could they keep that from me? They said she would be safe, but they are liars. Twelve women and their babies died for this. Most didn’t even make it to term. The three that did were all stillborn. The files said that the vampire blood wasn’t what did it. It was the demon blood and the DNA extracts that killed them. The vampire blood heals all things that aren’t demon. Separately, they don’t do much. But mixed, they make a poison. A poison I’ve been letting them put in our bodies for six months. Killing her or making her stronger? I don’t know. They said it’s already consumed all of her human DNA.

My own file said that it was a miracle I hadn’t died. They expect me to be the first to deliver a living child. Typically, at this stage, the women miscarry. They upped the dose they gave me, and it should have killed her, but they think I’ll manage to pull through.

If I do, they’ll only make her suffer. They plan to use her to make more. She’ll be nothing but a lab experiment. The first half-demon, half-vampire they’ve ever seen. I’ve caught the excited looks on the doctors’ faces. They don’t see her as a person. Just something interesting and new.

December 23

I don’t know what to do. I can’t let this go on any longer. The pain was severe today. They were trying to give her more demon DNA. They want to guarantee she gets the magic that comes with it. They fear that, with her only being half of each, she’ll get nothing of either.

I don’t like the idea of leaving my under-tens. They’re just children and they don’t understand. If I leave them, they’ll only become more like the devils that run this place. The idea of leaving my favorite behind is tearing my heart to pieces. He feels like he is my own. He looks at me with such love in his big, blue eyes. They’ve changed colors since they started giving him treatments. The silver from the DNA is blending into his blue, leaving swirls of grey.

I feel the baby moving inside of me right now. So strong. I know she’ll survive the pregnancy. We need to leave. If she’s to have any kind of life, we need to leave.

January 8

Leo and I have our plan set in motion. The money in the vault will be easy to get. We can do this. Get the money and run somewhere sunny that they can’t follow. At least not Felix or any of his top men. The one perk for us is that they can’t go out for long in the sunlight. They can send the others, but they’re not as good.

I talked about taking my favorite under-ten. Leo said we shouldn’t. It’s too much of a risk. If we get caught, there is no telling what they would do to him. He is safer here. Even if leaving him kills me, I have to. I have to go the rest of my life without seeing him. I only have a few pictures of him.

I worry this new life won’t be much for her, either. It won’t ever be safe. The one who survived… they’ll always be looking for her. All we can do is keep her hidden. We run tomorrow.