A Wife's Secret

MADISON stared at the calendar hanging behind their door. She counted the days twice, and she can’t be wrong. Her period is one week late, and she’s beginning to feel something different.

She caressed her flat stomach. “Are you there now, baby?” she asked, a smile forming on her lips. She looked at her husband, who was still sleeping on their bed. “Honey… I think we made it,” she murmured. “But I have to be sure before I tell him.”

Madison went to the bathroom to shower and prepare for her work at the bakeshop. Madison is a pastry chef of her bakeshop just a few miles away from their house. She’s been married to William for over two years now, and they’ve wanted to have a baby since the first day of their marriage. Unfortunately, she can’t conceive, and she doesn’t know why.

“Are you sure about that now?” Carmela asked Madison, her best friend and personal OB/GYN. “Have you used a pregnancy test?”

Madison looked away from her friend. “Do I really have to use it? Pregnancy tests aren’t accurate, right?” she said while sprinkling powdered milk on her chocolate chips.

Carmela rolled her eyes ceilingwards. “Don’t tell me that you’re afraid of the result?” she asked, looking at her worriedly. “You said that the last time that you made love, he released it all inside you? And that you were fertile that night?”

She scowled at her friend and looked around the production area. “Do you really have to say it out loud?” she asked, heat rising to her cheeks. It’s a good thing that only a few bakers were inside, and all were busy with their work.

Carmela laughed. “Madison, let me remind you it was you who wanted to talk to me here, instead of in my clinic, right? I told you to meet me there, but you insisted on talking here because you said that you have a lot of things to do in the bakeshop.”

Madison sighed. “I just don’t want William to assume without proof.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to see him get disappointed again, Carmela.”

“I understand you, Maddy.” She tapped her arm gently. “But, there’s nothing to worry about, right? We’ve done a series of tests to both of you, and the results were good.”

“I know…” she said, starting to feel bothered again. “That’s why I don’t know why we still can’t make it. We’ve been trying to have a baby for two years but always failed.” She looked at her friend. “Her mother kept asking me about it, and I don’t know what to tell her anymore. She kept asking us for a grandchild, and I can see William is starting to feel pressured about it.”

“Madison, stop overthinking,” she said and gave her an assuring smile. “Maybe now is the right time.” She caressed her belly. “Baby, are you with mommy now?”

“I’m really hoping that I am pregnant now, Carmela,” she said in an almost pleading tone. “Because I don’t know if William could take another false alarm. He badly wants to have a baby.” Tears stung her eyes. “Remember the last time that I got a negative result on a pregnancy test? He was so devastated that I couldn’t talk to him. He locked himself in our room for the whole day and refused to eat.”

Carmela heaved a sigh. “I didn’t expect that William would turn out to be like this. When you were just dating each other back in college, he was the type of man that always looked on the brighter side. I remember him being the one encouraging me to pursue my passion for being a doctor.”

“Then, after we got married, he changed…” Madison said, tears falling from her eyes. “Maybe there’s something wrong with me, Carmela.”

“No, Madison. There’s nothing wrong with the two of you.” She went around the baking table and rubbed her back. “Don’t cry. Feeling depressed is not good for the baby.”

She wiped her tears. “I really want to be pregnant. I don’t want to see William like that again.”

“It’s just two years, Madison. Other couples have waited six years before they conceived,” she said, smiling at her. “Just be patient, okay? If it’s really for you, it will happen at the most unexpected moment.”

Madison looked at the unmade chocolate chips. She met William when she was just a freshman in college. She was just seventeen back then. Innocent and vulnerable. But William never took advantage of her. Instead, he courted her and patiently waited for her to give in. They dated for two years and decided to get secretly married when she was nineteen, while William was just twenty-one. Now, after two years of being married, they’re still struggling to build a family. And, because of the constant failure of getting her pregnant, William started to doubt his capabilities.

“Madison, take a pregnancy test for you to be sure on your instinct,” Carmela told her after a moment of silence. “I brought two PT kits here, and they’re all produced by the high-end laboratory. It’s 99.99% accurate.”

“I’m scared, Carmela,” she said hesitantly as she took the pregnancy test boxes. “What if… What if I get one line on both?”

Carmela looked at her and smiled. “Then, we’ll do the transvaginal ultrasound to be sure,” she said and held her hand with the PT kits. “Just hold on to your instinct, Madison.”

Madison blew her breath. “Thanks, Carmela. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here with me.” She hugged her friend tightly. “We’ve been trying to have a baby for two years. I know it’s just a short time compared to other couples… But, I’m anxious for William.”

“Madison, if it’s still negative, why don’t you try other alternative processes on conceiving? Like intrauterine insemination?” Carmela suggested. “Have you tried talking about it to William?”

Madison pressed her lips together. “I’ve tried to talk to him about it because I read a book where the woman underwent artificial insemination to get pregnant. But, he often talks about the natural process whenever we talk about having a baby.”

“Let’s talk about the alternatives after you tried these two test kits.” She took the test kits from her hand and slipped them into her apron. “You already know the proper way to use them, right?”

Madison nodded. “I’ll call right after I see the results,” she said. “You may go back to your clinic now. I know you’re busy. Thank you for your time. I really appreciate it.”

Carmela narrowed her eyes at her. “It’s no big deal. I’m always here for you,” she said and waved goodbye at her.

As soon as Carmela left, Madison took out the pregnancy kits from her apron and looked at them. “When will you show two lines?”

***

IT WAS four in the morning. Madison was already awake, but not because of her bakeshop; it was because she had to do something secretly. She knew that she shouldn’t hide this from William, but she doesn’t want to see him disappointed in himself again.

Madison heaved a sigh. Why did they have to experience such struggles in their marriage? She stepped inside the bathroom with the pregnancy kit in her hand. Carmela told her to use the kits on different days to have two comparisons, but Madison wanted it to have the same result at once.

She thought of William and how he looked so fragile when she got a negative on her previous pregnancy test. Madison doesn’t know if she could bear to see him in that state again. She closed her eyes after she dropped a sufficient amount of her pee in the kit. She murmured prayers while waiting, and she hoped that heaven was listening.

After a couple of minutes, Madison opened her eyes and looked at the pregnancy kit in her palm. Tears automatically fell from her eyes as she saw the result. “I’m sorry, William…”

“Why you’re saying sorry?”

Madison turned around and saw her husband standing in the doorway of their bathroom. His hair was disarray, and his eyes were still half-lidded. “W-William… it’s still early,” she said and quickly hid the kit behind her. “You should go back to sleep, honey.”

William’s brows furrowed. “What are you hiding, Maddy?” he asked and walked towards her. He looked on the sink and saw the pregnancy kit box. “Is it negative again?”

“William…” Madison hugged him. “I’m sorry…”

But William didn’t hug her back. “I should be the one to say sorry because I can’t give you children…” His shoulders shook, and Madison could feel that he has started to shed tears. “The problem is in me… I knew it, Maddy.”

“No, William, don’t say that,” she said and hugged him even tighter. “We’ll do it better soon. I’m sure I will conceive next time—”

William held her shoulders and pulled her away from him. “I saw the results of our recent tests. You’re doing good, while me…” He lowered his head. “I can’t produce healthy sperm…”

Madison cupped her husband’s face. “It’s not true, honey. We both did great on our recent test, right? You produced healthy sperm—”

“But the count is not enough,” William cut her off. “Still not enough, Madison…” He stepped back from her, and Madison felt like he built a wall between them. “Because if there was really nothing wrong with me, you wouldn’t get this single line,” he said and snatched the pregnancy test in her hand. “You see? And, you’re planning to hide it from me?”

“William…” Madison started to cry. “William, we can surpass this obstacle together—”

“Obstacle?” he repeated. The pain that Madison saw in his face hurt her even more. “So now you consider this as an obstacle?”

“Honey…” Madison reached for his hand, but William avoided her. “There’s still next time. We can try it again. And, if we fail, then we’ll do it again.” Tears fell from her eyes. “William, don’t lose hope. According to Carmela—”

“Did you tell her? I told you to keep it between us, right? I don’t want anyone to know about our problem that I can’t make you pregnant…” William hit his forehead. “It’s embarrassing on my side as a man.”

“William, Carmela is my OB/GYN. And she’s our friend,” Madison explained. “She can understand our case because it’s her field of study.”

“Maybe Carmela felt pity for me…” he said in a disappointed tone. “Maybe she’s saying that you’re unfortunate because you married a useless man—”

“William, you know it’s not true!” Madison held his arm. “I married you because I love you, and nothing can change my love for you.”

William looked into her eyes. “Even if I can’t give you children? Will you still choose to stay even if I can’t give you the family that you’re dreaming of having?”

Madison pressed her lips together and held his gaze. “William…” She hesitated. “We’re going to have a baby. Just don’t give up…”

~0~

“IT’S NEGATIVE…” Madison told Carmela when she went to her clinic to talk to her.

“How about the other test kit?” she asked, not taking her eyes off the clipboard that she was reviewing since she arrived.

“I haven’t used it,” she said hesitantly.

Carmela looked up at her. “Why? I told you to try both, right?”

“William saw me when I tried the first one.” 

“What did he say?” she asked, suddenly worried. “Did he get mad again?”

Madison looked down and started to cry. “He kept saying that he’s useless. That I might leave him if he still can’t make me pregnant.”

Carmela gave her the tissue box. “Just what I thought,” she said with a sigh. “Where is he now?”

“He went to work. I told him to stay home with me and sort things out, but he insisted on going to work,” she said, still shedding tears. “He said that he doesn’t want to be a jobless and useless husband.” She reached out to Carmela’s hand on the desk. “Carmela, I don’t know what to do with him anymore… I don’t want him to suffer like this.”

“Did you mention the alternative processes that I suggested?”

Madison shook her head. “I don’t know how to bring up the topic to him. William was so disturbed that he could snap with just a simple word related to pregnancy.”

Carmela hit herself on the forehead. “It’s normal to feel devastated and disappointed when receiving a false alarm in pregnancy. But between the two of you, it should be you to feel more like that and not him.”

Madison wiped her tears. “He often yells at me, and I noticed that he’s starting to abuse alcohol.” She looked at Carmela worriedly. “I don’t want him to see like this… It hurts me, even more, to see my husband suffering with a problem that we should be facing together.”

“Madison, please don’t get me wrong when I tell you this,” Carmela said and leaned on the table to speak to her in a low tone. “Why don’t you try bringing him to a psychologist?”

Madison knotted her forehead. “P-Psychologist?”

Carmela nodded. “Because I think William might be depressed.”

***