Fangs and Roses

Sapphire Nightborne:

It had been ten months since I had my family ripped away from me. Ten months since I had to endure brutal torture at the hands of the person who was supposedly 'destined' to love me. Ten months since I had found out that my entire existence was just a lie, a pre-planned game where I was the pawn of an ancient love story... one of Kings and Queens.

It had been eight months since I had escaped that accursed place with Chloe, my torturer's sister. Both of us had had our freedom stripped away by the same man, and eight months ago, we got it back. We ran like foxes chased by hounds as we tried to outrun the shadow of fate, not knowing the dangers that might lie before us but willing to face them if they brought us closer to freedom.

The both of us were able to find love; it is strange that things come to you the moment you stop looking for it. Chloe received what she had been yearning for, and I was given my second chance at happiness. I was still solely determined to avenge my family for what had been done to them, but now, I had the time to heal and, for once, had someone to guide me through my healing process. Through these months of trying to heal, I realized that I did not escape from that hellhole whole... something in me died there, and I could feel its decay spreading through me, filling me with guilt and doubt that I have never experienced before. I would have been driven insane if I had been on my own, drowned in my very own thoughts, but a rock tethered me home, kept me safe, kept me happy.

Xander made me believe that I had a harbor here, but he made me lose sight of the storm that was fast approaching.

Sapphire Nightborne:

I hugged my legs close to my chest as my body shook. Waves of heat washed over me, yet it felt like I had ice in my veins. My chest moved up and down as I gasped for breath. I was not being suffocated, yet it was as though someone had their hands around my lungs, slowly crushing the air out of them. I kept my eyes closed and my head between my legs and chest. I knew the moment I opened them, I would only see darkness with small spots of light, and even when they cleared, for those brief moments, all I could see were the four walls of my room closing in on me, trapping me.

Two strong arms wrapped themselves around my middle, slowly pulling my chest away from my legs and gently lifting my head up from in between them. Warm hands found my smaller cold ones, unfurling them from the clenched position they had been in. No words were spoken as I was hoisted onto his lap and slowly rocked. The only sound that could be heard was a soft humming as he rocked me. The vibrations from his throat provided a certain comfort for me, the beat of his heart assuring me that I was not alone… that I was safe.

This was not the first time this had happened, and I was sure that it would not be the last. My nightmares had me waking up almost every night, feeling like I was suffocating. The first time this had happened, I thought I was dying, that this was actually how it was going to end… I was going to die without avenging my family. The worst part was that I could not even call for help. My body had become my cage. I had no control of it anymore as I sat there on the hardwood floor, which was where I had collapsed after trying to stand, tears dripping down my face. This was how Xander had found me. He came into my room, saying that he had heard my erratic heartbeat and wanted to see if I was okay. I could not even bring my face up to look at him—I was so ashamed of myself. He immediately fell silent, not bombarding me with questions about why I was in this state… just actions. He picked me up in his arms and carried me to my bed, where he just sat with me and hummed a lullaby till I fell asleep in his embrace. I would wake up the next morning with just myself in the room, a steaming mug of tea on the nightstand with a note from Xander letting me know where I could find him if I wanted to talk. He knew that when night came, this episode would be repeated again.

The worst part was that this happened not just at night but also when I trained. There were a few times where I had asked some of the Pack Warriors to spar with me, but during the middle of it, if they grabbed my head, I would feel the waves of heat come over me before my throat seized up, and I would collapse to the ground. It was as if my mind was never at peace. At night, I was plagued with nightmares that were so vivid and clear, I had to assure myself they weren't real. During the day, my training mates morphed into members of the Black Blood Pack. This caused me to train harder in the day and try to forgo sleep when night fell. I spent the nights in the library reading up on battle strategies used by packs in the past. I once managed to stay up for three nights in a row before I almost fell on my own spear during training, which was the last straw for Chloe. She dragged me, as well as Xander, to the Chief Healer.

"You don't seem comfortable here, Sapphire."

I smiled sheepishly at the Chief Healer, a matronly woman who had a kind smile. That smile was on her face when she caught me looking at my surroundings in disgust. I had developed an intense dislike for 'Healing Rooms,' as they reminded me of when I had returned from the dead and what I had woken up to.

"Just bad experiences."

She nodded and smiled, but her eyes told me that she did not buy my story. "Tell me, how can I help you?

We began to tell her about my anxiety attacks and how they just seemed to appear out of nowhere. Granted, I knew they were linked to what I had experienced at the hands of Damien and the two goddesses, but what confused me was the fact that they were all happening now. I had absolutely no panic attacks during my stay at the Black Blood Pack, even though I had been exposed to so much trauma.

"She was fine even in the forest when we were running away from my brother's men."

Guilt filled my heart as I stared at Chloe, who was gesturing with her hands to try and explain the situation, the dark shadows beneath her eyes visible.

She had been the one who stayed by my side those nights when I had decided to forgo sleep, and each time I had asked her to go back to Jared's room, where she now resided, she would reply that she was fine and would stay by my side. Our friendship would have seemed utterly impossible three months ago, but after everything we had experienced, it was hard not to bond with the only person in this new environment who understood what I had gone through. Her constant companionship made me feel awful as I was guilty of separating her from Jared, especially during such an important period of time in their lives. Chloe was now expecting their first child. Granted, she was only a month pregnant, but still, she should be with Jared… not me. I remembered my eyebrows almost escaping to my hairline when she had first told me about the news. After all, we had only been here for two weeks, and she already had a bun in the oven, and I knew from the many awkward talks from my father that one time did not always equal pregnancy, so that would mean… I shook my head, not wanting to think about it. I had felt a tug in my heart as Chloe gushed about all the future possibilities. It reminded me of how someone else had done the same thing, only for all of it to be ripped away from her.

"Her sudden number of panic attacks could be because her mind is finally in a state of peace."

I raised an eyebrow at her. That was an oxymoron. I had panic attacks because my mind was in a state of peace?

"I know it sounds contradictory, but allow me to explain. Your mind had been busy during the time of the invasion at your pack, trying to do a million things at once to ensure that you and your nephew could escape. At the Black Blood Pack, and even during your escape in the forest, you were always looking for different ways to escape or planning strategies out in your head because the environment around did not allow you to feel safe and secure, which kept your mind on constant alert. You somehow repressed your feelings of anxiety and fear because your mind was too preoccupied as you fought to ensure your survival, but now, you feel secure here, even if you don't think so. You know you are safe here, and so your mind is not preoccupied with thoughts of escaping or revenge, at least not as much as before, so this sudden state of calm has allowed you to clear your mind—but it has also allowed all these negative emotions that you kept pent up to be released all at once, hence your panic attacks. That is why you get them so frequently when you see or feel something close to what you had experienced at Black Blood, such as your nightmares and training."

I did not know what to say to that. I looked up at Xander, who was standing behind me with his hand on the nape of my neck. His thumb applied soft pressure and rubbed the side of my neck when he felt me tense up. He caught my eye before giving me a small smile.

"How do I limit the number of panic attacks? I mean, I cannot live with them for the rest of my life."

I had to sleep, I had to train, and most importantly, I hated having to burden others with my problems.

"Spend more time with the person who makes you vulnerable, who makes you feel safe." The Chief Healer used her pen to gesture at Xander. "You respond well to him. I have been paying attention to your heartbeat, and whenever you look at Xander because you feel tense or uncomfortable, it goes down."

I looked back up at Xander, who just looked at his feet, causing me to feel even more confused.

After that appointment, I shooed Chloe back to Jared before turning to look at Xander. I asked him why he had looked away, and he told me it was because he felt guilty. He thought that he was responsible for my current state. He looked so confused when I laughed. I told him that it was ridiculous for him to think that this was his fault. These attacks would have come either way, and in fact, I should thank him for being by my side. There was an awkward silence for a while before I manned up and asked if he could stay in my room. He looked at me in shock when he heard me. The both of us, despite being mates, had been sleeping in different rooms since I had arrived. Xander had arranged this himself, as he wanted to go slow so that I would feel comfortable since I had just been thrown into a completely new setting, and he felt that it was not his right to force me to stay with him just because we were mates. That had made me pleasantly surprised because I remembered that when Ryder had first found out that Cordelia was his mate, we had come home to find people moving her things from our house to his and into his room. He had told her it was her duty as a mate to be with him and that this was agreed on by the Pack Elders, who had assisted in the moving.

Xander asked me if I was sure of my decision and that he would leave the moment I felt uncomfortable… I told him that I needed this for the attacks to go away. I watched as he moved a few of his things into my room. He surprised me again when he placed pillows on the couch, which was way too small for him—it was too small for even me to lie down comfortably. I asked him if that was where he was going to sleep, and he told me he would because he knew that after Damien, I would not feel too comfortable with a male being so close to me, especially since I already felt vulnerable in my sleep.

He slept on that small couch for two nights, coming to my bed only to calm me down. He never complained about my attacks, never asked me too many questions; he just held me like he was hugging me now. On the third night, I asked him to join me on the bed and sleep because I really did feel bad watching him contort his body to fit onto that couch, especially after all he had done for me without asking for anything in return. He did join me but still slept at the far end of the bed, only initiating physical contact when I had my panic attacks.

"I have become such a weakling, haven't I?" This was more a statement to myself than a question to Xander.

"Sapphire, none of us are invincible. We all have our own fears and flaws, but that is what makes us human. Acknowledging what makes us vulnerable makes us stronger."

He removed his arms from around my waist after he felt my heart rate go back to normal. I could feel the mattress move as he scooted himself to the far end of the bed before turning to look at me. "Sapphire?"

"Yes?"

"Can I take you out tomorrow? I was thinking that we could go for a run together. The forest should be a welcome change, and you could stretch your legs."

I bit my lip, trying to hide a smile. He actually asked me for my permission… he was giving me the choice to say no.

"Sure."

I turned on my side and closed my eyes, a small smile on my face as I slowly fell into a dreamless sleep.