Foxfire

Cold.

Bitter, bone-deep cold, the kind that gnaws at your toes and nose. Your tail, too, when you have one, and right now I do. Its white tip brushes along the snow, flicking pine needles away as I skulk after my mother, my pawprints in hers, our ears pricked for any sound of humans. We don’t belong here, so close to the fields. But the scent of cooking tofu on the wind makes my stomach ache harder than any cold could.

My mother freezes, one paw raised, then coughs. Hide.

I dart beneath a low bush and crouch, shivering. The longer I hold still, the more I freeze. I’m just a kit fox, and my fur hasn’t grown as thick as my mother’s. She sniffs the air, then glances at me, her orange eyes sparkling.

Voices. Heavy boots, tamping down the snow. Two boys walk down the path, talking.

My mother sits and rubs her tail with her forepaws. Her fur crackles, the tiny sparks melting into a white ball of light. Kitsune-bi. Foxfire. A smile curls my lips, and I poke my nose farther out from the leaves.

The boys stop. “Look,” the fat one says. “Pawprints.”

The skinny one squats over the snow, then shudders. “Foxes?”

“Maybe. We should get out of here.”

My mother rears onto her hind legs and tosses the ball of foxfire down the slope. It rolls like a white apple, right under the nose of the fat boy. His gaze latches onto it, and he starts to trot after it—he can’t help himself. The foxfire rolls into a dark tangle of forest, and the fat boy crashes after it in his clumsy hunger.

“Daisuke!” the skinny boy shouts. “Daisuke, stop!”

My mother flicks her ear at me. Time to go. I climb out from under the bush and shake myself off, careful not to let the boys see. We flit through the shadows. The snow-burdened farmhouse stands ahead, just through the trees. Golden light spills from a kitchen window, along with the scent of tofu. I nearly whimper.

“Daisuke!” The skinny boy’s voice sounds shrill with panic.

I glance back. I hope we haven’t hurt them… but no, we trick, not kill.

The skinny boy whistles, then waves his arm as if calling a pet to come. I sniff with laughter. That won’t help.

Then three dogs streak from behind the farmhouse. Their breath steams the air as they pant, their black-spotted tongues lolling, their tightly curled tails held high. Hokkaido-inu, a breed with a fierce hatred of foxes.

My mother flattens herself to the ground, but it’s too late. Barking, the dogs spin toward her, their paws kicking mud into the snow.

The skinny boy laughs. “Found the fox, Daisuke!”

My mother’s muzzle twists into a snarl. The dogs hurtle toward her as if she’s nothing more than a scrap of meat to be snatched up. My heartbeat drums against my chest, and my legs lock into stiff logs.

A dog leaps upon my mother and drives its jaws toward her neck. She twists nimbly out of the way and sprints for the trees. The dogs tear after her, their teeth snapping inches from her bushy tail. She dodges between roots and brambles, a zigzagging streak of orange, then vanishes into the darkness of the night.

Daisuke stumbles back onto the path, blinking. “What happened?”

“You fell for foxfire,” the other boy says. “But I set the dogs on the little kitsune bitch.”

They don’t know I’m here. Quivering, I sink down into the snow and hide in the white. Wind shakes new snow like salt onto Japan. It blankets the black trees as the boys walk toward the farmhouse. It piles thick on my back as I wait for my mother. Soon I have to blink to see, then shake myself to not be buried alive. I dig a little den beneath the gnarled toes of a tree, then settle down for the night.

She will come back. She’s never left me alone before, not for long.

Fear drifts down inside me, settling higher and higher.

She will come back.

~

“Seriously, Tavian. What were you dreaming about?” Gwen asks.

We’re crammed in the sardine-tight rows of economy airline seating. Outside the tiny porthole window, dark sky and equally dark water stream by. I rest my forehead against the cool glass and squeeze my sleep-fogged eyes shut.

“Nothing spectacular,” I lie.

“You were making these weird noises,” she says, and I glance at her. “Whimpers.” She narrows her eyes at me. They gleam amber in the dim light, and I know she knows I’m not telling the whole truth. Or even a smidgen of it.

There’s no point in arguing about it, and I don’t want her eyes to get any brighter, not with a plane full of humans. I slip my fingers between hers.

“I’ll tell you later,” I whisper. “All right?”

“Okay.” Her mouth twists in that wry smile of hers. Snarky, she calls it. “With interest.”

I arch an eyebrow. “Interest?”

“Well, if you’re withholding interesting information from me now,” she says, “you’d better make it extra juicy later.”

Her hot breath in my ear distracts me, but I keep a straight face. “Yes, ma’am.”

Gwen’s smile relaxes into something realer. “You ready?”

“For what?”

“Japan.”

I laugh to mask my dread. “I’d better be.”

She squeezes my hand, then leans against my shoulder and shuts her eyes.

I don’t keep track of time. I’m lost in the sameness of the stale air and humming of the plane. My eyelids keep slipping down, but whenever I close them, all I see is the white of snow. I don’t want to return to that dream. I already know what happens next, when that winter night blurred into an eternity. Frigid fear still seeps through me now, like I never closed the door on that part of my life. Believe me, I’ve tried.

My mother left me to the snow and the dogs. I was six years old.

~

Dawn strengthens and takes hold, a gorgeous cherry-blossom pink that makes my fingers itch for a paintbrush. We land in Narita International Airport at around noon. The polished floors and exposed steel ceilings reflect the human swarms and the gleam of artificial light. By the time we get through customs, Gwen’s famished. She keeps groaning dramatically whenever we walk past vending machines, which stand like an army of robots with a tidy rainbow of snacks and drinks in their glass bellies.

“They have everything here,” she says. “Jasmine tea, ice cream, ramen noodle soup—”

“Schoolgirl panties,” I say.

Gwen wrinkles her nose. “Tavian!”

“It’s true,” I say, grinning. “It’s a fetish around here. Businessmen pay tons of yen for—”

“Are those your grandparents over there?” She lowers her voice. “Because I’m not sure they’re interested in panties.”

My heartbeat stumbles. “Where?”

I’ve only met them once, when I was seven, and that was the day before I left Japan. My memory of them is more than a little moth-eaten, and I have to fill in their faces with the photos in our family album.

Gwen laughs. “I’m kidding! Wow, don’t have a heart attack.”

I make a noise between a growl and a sigh. I have no idea how she’s so hyper on so little sleep. Then again, that’s Gwen for you.

She inhales sharply. “Holy crap. Is that a Bigness Burger?”

Ahead, a fast-food joint with a blaring, mustard-yellow sign beckons. Some desperate guy in a grinning fox suit is hopping around and waving like he’s walking on hot coals. I wince and walk faster past this travesty.

“Look!” Gwen says. “Isn’t that their kitsune mascot? Ki-chan?”

“Yes,” I mutter. “But that thing is not a kitsune.”

I happen to know a thing or two about the subject, being the genuine article myself.

She rolls her eyes. “Oh, you’re just biased.”

“I’m biased toward fast-food chains not making an idiot out of me.”

Gwen arches her eyebrows. “Well, I think it’s cute.”

“Japan can be a cute overdose.” I pretend to squeal like an anime girl. “Oh, so kawaii!”

“Admit it. Ki-chan is cool.” She pokes me. “In America you’d never see anybody using an Other as a mascot.”

“Because it’s not politically correct. How would you feel if McDonald’s made up Perky the Pooka to sell fries?”

Gwen snorts. “That might be kind of nice. You know, if people thought pookas weren’t evil rampaging demon horses.”

I shrug. I guess she knows a thing or two about that.

Ki-chan hears us speaking English and zeros in on us. He squats before Gwen—the most obvious sales-pitch target—and scoops air with both hands. Maybe he thinks he can literally reel us in with the sheer force of his craziness. He even makes a little yipping noise that makes me bite back a smile.

“Come on,” Gwen says, “aren’t you hungry? I read in the guidebook that Bigness Burger makes fabulous barbecued eel.”

I stare at her. “You’re actually interested in eating barbecued eel?”

“We’re in Japan!” She throws her arms into the air and dances, almost crashing into my suitcase. “Aren’t you excited?”

I catch her by the wrist and tug her to face me. She leans against me, her face flushed, her hair already wild, and kisses me quickly.

“This isn’t my first time here,” I say.

Her smile fades. “Bad memories?”

I shrug again. She’s only heard the quick and dirty version of my life in Japan.

Her eyes get big. “Grandparents. Three o’clock.”

“My three o’clock or yours?”

“Mine. See? They have a red umbrella.”

Sure enough, a silver-haired man in a crisp ivory suit strolls along with a red umbrella held high—that’s our signal. A woman about his age follows at his heels, chattering a million miles an hour in Japanese. She’s wearing grey plaid pants pulled up way too high at the waist. She’s got to be what, four foot six? Maybe? Granted, I’m only five foot four, but I could get used to this whole actually-being-taller-than-somebody thing.

I squint. Are they really Tsuyoshi and Michiko, my ojīsan and obāsan?

The woman glances in our direction. Her nut-brown skin is wrinkled in a thousand folds. She sucks in her breath, then seizes her husband’s arm. He swivels toward us, his face statuesque. He’s carrying her black and pink purse, which kind of destroys his stony I’m-your-elder-so-you’d-better-respect-me look.

His gaze moves from me to Gwen—specifically, Gwen’s coppery curls.

She tries out a smile. “Are you Tavian’s grandparents?”

The man’s brows descend and he adjusts his square glasses. “Octavian?”

“Yes.” I hold out my hand so he can shake it. “I’m your grandson?”

He grabs my hand like he wants to pulverize it and gives it a brisk up-and-down shake. “My name is Kimura Tsuyoshi. I am your grandfather.” Talking with him over the telephone didn’t do justice to his deep, Darth Vader voice. He’s only a few inches taller than me, so I have no clue why he gets to sound so imposing.

“And this is your grandmother,” he says, “Kimura Michiko.”

Michiko nods with a polite smile, and I bow back.

“Obāsan,” I say. “Good to finally see you.”

She straightens, her mouth all puckered up like she’s sucking on a straw and getting only air. Of course she’s staring at Gwen, who’s blushing red-hot and towering over everybody like a giantess.

“Yes,” Michiko says, “good to see you.”

“Thanks so much for inviting me and Tavian to come visit for the holidays!” Gwen says, shaking Tsuyoshi’s hand. “I’ve never traveled abroad before. I mean, I know this isn’t just travel, and I’m really looking forward to getting to know you better.” She clutches my hand. “I know you mean a lot to Tavian.”

Tsuyoshi and Michiko both nod, turtle-slow. They both speak English well, according to Mom and Dad, but Gwen does have a tendency to rattle off words when she gets nervous. I squeeze Gwen’s hand and try to communicate through eyebrows alone that she should talk slowly and simply. Also, not keel over dead under the force of Tsuyoshi’s scrutiny.

“Let’s go,” Tsuyoshi says.

He folds the red umbrella and marches away. Michiko follows him, so Gwen and I have no choice but to lug our luggage and try to keep up.

“I thought they were fluent in English?” Gwen whispers in my ear.

“They are.” I smirk. “But don’t worry, I bought you that phrase book.”

She sighs. “I can’t learn Japanese in three weeks.”

I arch an eyebrow. “You’d be surprised what you can pick up when forced to communicate like a Neanderthal.”

Or when you can’t communicate at all, and your growls and yips brand you a crazy boy.

We file out of the airport and head for the parking garage. Tsuyoshi takes a key fob from his pocket and clicks the button. A silver Audi sedan flashes its lights. I arch my eyebrows. Nice! And also pretty damn expensive. We all pile into the Audi and the engine starts with a tiger’s purr. Gwen glances at me and squeezes my hand.

“Buckle down,” Michiko says.

I think she means “buckle up,” but I fasten my seat belt anyway—and just in time. Tsuyoshi peels rubber as he whips the Audi into reverse, drifts sideways, then shifts into drive and zooms out of the parking garage. We hit the road, and Michiko rattles off something in Japanese. Tsuyoshi mutters back and I don’t catch any of it.

Gwen looks at me and mouths, “What did they say?”

I shrug and shake my head.

Frost ices the black trees along the highway, and the blank sky hints at snow. It’s the twenty-first of December: the first day of winter. I know it’s stupid, but I wish I could have returned to Japan in the summer. Winter feels unlucky. When I joked about this with my parents back home, Mom told me not to worry, and Dad said it was important to Tsuyoshi and Michiko that I was visiting them for Shōgatsu—New Year’s—which is a huge deal in Japan.

I guess they’re right.

The highway from Narita to Tokyo is lined by ugly concrete clone buildings and construction, but Gwen still presses her nose against the glass, soaking up every glimpse of Japan. The hum of tires on pavement starts to lull me asleep.

The car window reflects my spiky hair and the shadows under my eyes. In the corner of the glass, an eggshell-white oval drifts nearer. A face, but it has no eyes, no nose, no mouth. Faceless. Blank skin stretched tight over a hairless skull. When I blink, it’s gone, and the hairs on my arms are standing on end.

Either my brain is glitching, or I’m being haunted.

Akasaka, Tokyo: a neighborhood in the Minato ward, in the heart of the metropolis. Tsuyoshi screeches to a halt in front of an imposing skyscraper—maybe his resumé includes stunt driver—and tosses a valet his keys. The rest of us climb out at a more reasonable pace, faintly carsick in my case. Gwen peers up at the glass-and-steel tower, squinting as the wind blows snowflakes into her eyes. I feel conspicuously shabby as we enter the polished granite lobby. Uniformed men and women bow smartly as we pass.

We take the elevator up to the thirty-eighth floor, near the top of the skyscraper. Michiko unlocks the door and I resist the urge to gawk. Outside, Tokyo glitters beyond vast windows. Inside, everything glistens in hardwood, eggshell white, and bits of glossy black. The condo looks as elegant and well-balanced as a calligraphy scroll.

I knew they were well-off, but I hadn’t actually seen it until now.

We all take off our shoes and step into house slippers. Tracking any dirt past the genkan, or entryway, would be an enormous no-no. I’m about to walk onto the raised floor of the living room when I freeze in mid-step, inches away from a faux pas. I’m tebura, empty-handed. I unzip my bag and pull out a collectible tin of Aplets and Cotlets. I bought the fruit candies at the airport in Seattle, after Gwen reminded me I didn’t have a gift for my hosts.

Holding the Aplets and Cotlets in both hands, I offer them to my grandparents with a slight bow. “Tsumaranai mono desu ga, dōzo.” My very rough translation: I’m afraid this isn’t much of a gift; please accept this boring thing.

Tsuyoshi and Michiko both incline their heads. “Arigatō gozaimasu.” Thank you.

“Dōitashimashite.” You’re welcome.

My face heats. I’m sure my Japanese sounds awful, or I’ve forgotten something vital about gift-giving and now look like an ungrateful idiot. But Michiko takes the tin from me with a small smile, then squirrels it away in the kitchen.

Tsuyoshi turns to me. “Leave your things here,” he says in Japanese.

I nod, the rusty language gears clicking in my brain. Michiko starts to lug my huge suitcase away, despite the fact that it’s almost taller than she is, and I say, “Please,” also in Japanese. “Let me help.”

“Oh, no, you should prepare for dinner.”

Frowning, Gwen taps me on the shoulder. “Tavian?” she whispers.

“Sorry,” I say to her. “We’re eating soon, so it’s time to get ready.”

“You could have said that in English,” she mutters, her cheeks red.

In the bathroom, I’m confronted by a ridiculously high-tech toilet that looks like it might either start self-replicating or eat my butt. I try a button, and I get a flushing noise but nothing more. One of those modesty sound effects for those embarrassed by certain—ahem—noises. After some fiddling, I flush the stupid thing.

Bathroom conquered, I discover Gwen lingering in the hallway. She glances back and forth between the doorways of the two guest bedrooms, each furnished with a tiny bed and a tiny window that looks out onto falling snow.

“Did you call dibs on a bedroom yet?” I say.

She shrugs. “They’re more like closets. I’m not sure I’ll fit.”

I roll my eyes. “I’ll take the right-hand one.”

I toss my jacket onto my bed, but it looks too sloppy in the pristine black-and-white aesthetic of the room, so I fold it neatly.

Gwen arches her eyebrows. “You okay?” she says in a low voice.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you don’t normally fold clothes. Your bedroom floor at home doesn’t have a square inch of visible carpet.”

I try to laugh, but it sounds fake.

Gwen furrows her brow. “No, seriously. You look sick.”

“I’m exhausted,” I say. “Aren’t you?”

“Hopefully you didn’t catch some germs from that nasty recycled air on the plane.”

Of course, the plane wasn’t the problem. I can’t stop thinking about the car ride here and what I saw in the window. I am exhausted. Maybe I’m hallucinating.

I meet Gwen’s eyes. “This is going to sound really dumb.”

“Tavian. Just tell me.”

“I can’t tell you, exactly.” I blow out my breath. “I don’t know what it was. When we were in the car, I saw this sort of white oval reflected in the window, like a face, only it didn’t have any face on it. No eyes, no nose, no mouth, no anything.”

“A faceless face? Isn’t that impossible?” There’s still more snark than worry in her voice.

“I swear, that’s what it looked like. Blank skin stretched over bone. Smooth as an egg.”

Gwen shivers. “You really saw this?”

I nod.

“Are there any Others here like that?”

I hesitate. “I didn’t think of that. I thought I was dreaming.”

“Was that what you were dreaming about on the plane?”

“No.” I swallow, trying to wet my parched mouth. “That was about my mother.”

“Oh.” Gwen starts to say something more, then stops herself.

There’s a little cough. I glance back. Michiko stands in the doorway, wearing a blue dress patterned with either cloudy flowers or flowery clouds.

“Dinnertime,” she says.

Tsuyoshi and Michiko have a fairly traditional dining room, with a low table and pillows for kneeling. Dinner itself is delicious, a stew simmering in a hotpot on the table: beef, tofu, thick udon noodles, and tender shītake mushrooms. The hot miso broth slides down my throat and settles in my belly, filling me with a warm, dozy feeling.

For dessert, Michiko makes a big show out of opening the tin of Aplets and Cotlets, exclaiming over each sugar-powdered candy as if it’s precious. I can’t stop smiling, and for the first time today, Japan feels a little like home.

After dinner, Gwen calls her parents and I guiltily snatch up my phone, remembering I promised to tell Mom and Dad whether I’d crashed into the Pacific or not.

I stand by the window and call. “Hey, this is Tavian—”

“Tavian?” Mom says. “Wait a second, let me get your father.” Without waiting for me to reply, I hear some muffled movement. “Kazuki! It’s Tavian!”

My dad joins on the other line. “Was your flight delayed?” is the first thing out his mouth.

“No,” I say. “Sorry, I meant to call sooner—”

“I knew he would be okay,” Mom says.

Dad grunts.

“How are Ojīsan and Obāsan?” Mom talks rapid-fire, like she’s afraid Dad will butt in. “I hope you’ve been nothing but polite to them.”

“Yes, Mom. It’s great to finally meet them.”

“And your Japanese?” Dad says.

I frown and slide one finger down the cool glass of the window. “Not too horrific.”

“Your grandparents don’t like English,” Dad says, for the eight hundred billionth time. “You should respect them by speaking their language.”

I clench my jaw. “I’m trying.”

“Octavian.” Dad sounds like he’s getting pissed.

“Kazuki,” Mom says. “I’m sure Tavian is doing just fine. And I’m sure your parents are more than understanding.” I can imagine her glaring at Dad while she says that.

They know my Japanese is childish at best. I spent the first six years of my life mostly as a fox. At the orphanage, they taught me how to behave like a good little boy, and I learned fast to avoid the sting of a textbook to the head. But Mom and Dad took me to America when I was seven, and Japanese was no longer a necessity.

“What are you planning to visit tomorrow?” Mom says, her voice falsely chipper. “Which district of Tokyo?”

“Not sure yet. I’m guessing Gwen will love Shibuya. Especially Harajuku.”

“Harajuku?” Dad grumbles. “Full of punks and hipsters.”

Dad grew up in Tokyo, unlike Mom, who’s second-generation Japanese American. This doesn’t stop Mom from making an exaggerated sigh, like my dad is totally uncultured.

“Octavian, ignore your father.”

I swallow a yawn. “Anyway, it’s almost eleven here. It must be really early over there.”

“Nearly six a.m.,” Mom says.

“And your mother still hasn’t had her coffee yet,” Dad mutters. “She needs it.”

I laugh, imagining their joking bickering.

After saying goodbye, I tiptoe into Gwen’s guest bedroom. She’s still on the phone with her parents, talking in an excited murmur. She smiles when I blow her a kiss goodnight. I sneak back into my own bedroom before I’m caught.

I’m so tired I pass out the moment I hit my bed.

~

In my dreams, I’m no longer in Tokyo, but Hokkaido, the wild northernmost island. I’m walking naked through the snow, and for some reason I can’t turn into a fox, no matter how hard I strain for the transformation.

In the snow, there is only me, alone, lost. I don’t belong here.

Cold scrapes every bit of warmth from my skin. Above the howling wind, I hear a woman’s scream. The sound cuts straight to my bone. The wind shifts, and she screams again. Not a woman—a vixen’s cry. I run, stumbling, numb, until I trip sprawling in the snow. Flurries descend on me, burying me. My teeth chatter so hard they hurt.

Before me, a geisha-pale woman stands in the snow. Her hair flies like a ragged black banner flecked with snow. She wears a gleaming white kimono—the color of a bride, or of the dead. She lifts her arms to me, beckoning. Her red lips part, and she screams again. The call of a vixen who has lost her kit.

“Okāsan,” I say. Mother.

A tear slides down her cheek. “Kogitsune.” Little Fox.

“Why are you here?” I say.

“Come with me,” she says, her eyes as beautiful and hard as amber.

I climb to my feet, shivering, my skin icy. “Where?”

“Home.”

The snowy landscape shimmers, and for a second I see the deep green forests of Washington. The face of my mother blinks into Mom—the woman who raised me—then back into my mother.

Dread worms its way into my heart. “I can’t.”

“Kogitsune.” Okāsan sounds faraway. “Come with me before it is too late.”

I step toward her, to touch her, to know that she’s real.

But there’s a man standing before me, and he has no face. The snow doesn’t even touch his dark suit, just falls right through. He’s thin, like rice paper. Like a ghost.

The faceless man raises both of his hands to me, palms out, as if I’m a child about to fall from a high place and he’ll catch me. Okāsan’s face twists, her teeth sharpening into fangs, her ears pointing into black tips.

Her voice vibrates with a growl. “You’re dead.”

The faceless man reaches into his jacket and draws a gun.

Okāsan’s eyes narrow, and she laughs.

He pulls the trigger; the dream shatters. Red blooms on white, spattering the snow, soaking the kimono as she falls.