Hard to Love

The warm, rich aroma of almonds and vanilla blended with the sweetness of sugar and chocolate and brought back memories that seared through my heart and twisted my stomach.

The dull, pricking pain in my heart remained as a constant reminder of the memories replaying in my subconscious mind.

He used to love my almond cookies. He used to say that I was his favorite baker. My almond cookies, especially, had always hit a sweet spot with him.

I could still see in my mind those excited green eyes that always used to light up when I baked for him. Today these cookies had the perfect recipe because of the many times that we had improvised it and added our own little twists.

But now when I had perfected them to his liking, he was not here to taste them.

"Ah, it smells divine in here," said Elisha, coming into the kitchen.

"Hey." I smiled. "You're early."

"Of course, I am," said Elisha, taking an almond cookie from the cooling rack. "Just how often do you go out with me these days?"

Her strawberry blonde hair with light waves that cascaded down her back and chocolate brown eyes complimented even her simple outfit exceptionally well.

With the plain white top and black skinny jeans, her outfit matched mine. Except, my top was beige with delicate, black embroidery.

"It's only because I'm busy with the cafe, Eli," I said, keeping the last tray of almond cookies in the oven to bake.

"I know," she said, licking the crumbs off her fingers. "These are delicious, Ira. If you delay any longer, then I'll scarf down all these cookies and it will be a waste to go to dinner."

I chuckled and removed my apron. Elisha had been my best friend ever since she had moved to Emberhill three years ago. She had filled that big hole of emptiness in my heart that he had left behind to become the ultimate misery of my life.

Elisha was nothing like him and yet was exactly like him. She was all that he was: lively, fun, caring, kind and reliable. But she would never abandon me like he had. I was sure of it.

But you had been sure that he too would never abandon you.

"Come on, touch up your makeup. Let's go," said Elisha, tugging at my arm.

I snapped out of my thoughts and nodded. "Yeah, give me a minute."

Elisha headed out of the kitchen after grabbing another cookie and making me laugh. I checked to see if the oven's timer was set right and how the cookies were faring. Then I walked around the counter and grabbed my handbag.

"You're going?" asked a voice.

I looked up to see Zuri come in and breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. I was about to come and find you."

A few months ago, in the initial days of setting up the cafe, I had realized that I obviously needed help and so that was when I had hired Zuri.

Coffee Tales, my cafe, was not just a cafe. This book cafe was my entire life in a small space.

But Coffee Tales was not just my dream. It had been our dream. It was a dream that we had dreamt together.

"Could you please keep an eye on the cookies? They're in the oven," I said, rummaging in my handbag for my lipstick and compact.

"Sure." She walked over to the oven. "I am still not used to how perfect they look."

My cheeks warmed up as I dabbed a little powder on my cheeks and retouched my lipstick. "Thank you. It's practice, that's all. You can take a few back home, Zuri. Your Mum loves them, doesn't she?"

She folded her arms across her chest and smiled. "Ever so modest, Ira. Thanks a ton. Mum does love them. They remind her of—"

She stopped and shook her head, her eyes casting to the floor for a few seconds before she looked up again. "Enjoy yourself tonight, girl."

Reminded her of?

Zuri's parents were still together and quite deeply in love. Then who were Zuri and her mum nostalgic about?

Maybe it's not a who. Maybe the cookies just remind her of a particular moment or some materialistic thing.

You think too much, Ira. Get going. Elisha's waiting for you.

I flashed her a smile and said my goodbye, closing the kitchen door behind me.

The sight that greeted me was of people curled up on couches with books, seated at tables with laptops and coffees and enjoying muffins with cups of teas as they scribbled in notepads. A fuzzy tingle in my heart reinforced the pride that made my adrenaline rush and my heart soar.

I wish he could see that our dream has come true.

"Ready to go?" asked Elisha, already by the door.

"As I'll ever be," I said with a chuckle, and we stepped out into the full moon night.

***

Elisha had picked out our favorite restaurant, Dizzy Dribble, which was on Starlit Street. This street was one of the many highlights of Emberhill. It had gotten its name from the blinding, glamorous lights of all the shops, restaurants, kiosks, and stalls that lined the streets from end to end. From its name, Starlit Street could be mistaken to be a single street, but it was actually a cluster of four or five streets that diverted in different directions.

The familiar atmosphere of buzz and excitement, lights and glimmer instantly made me smile. Starlit Street could brighten up anybody's mood.

The theme of the lights tonight was powder pink and icy blue colors. Against the moonlit sky, the lights beautifully littered Starlit Street, establishing a magical environment, as if the air was delicately carrying around fairy dust.

The warm aroma of spicy street food mixed with the sweet scents of ice cream and pastries had just hit me when Elisha ushered me inside Dizzy Dribble. The heaters inside soothed my skin which was still tingling from the cold outside.

I should have worn a jacket.

I started to proceed towards an unoccupied table, but Elisha held me back by pulling at my arm.

"What?" I asked. "Oh, did you get us a reservation?"

She nodded and bit her lip. A glint of excitement mixed with hesitation played in her eyes.

It is not just a reservation. Definitely not.

"Elisha?" I said, raising an eyebrow. "What else?"

She cracked a sheepish smile which immediately made my heart begin to hammer. I hated last minute surprises. The last time that I had seen the same glint in her eyes was when she had surprised me with a birthday party. I still had frequent nightmares of removing my blindfold and hearing twenty people singing the Happy Birthday song for me.

"Well, Ira, it's not just the two of us tonight," she said.

Not just the two of us? What does she—Oh, wait.

Oh.

My shoulders relaxed and I heaved a sigh of relief. "It's Stefan, isn't it?"

She nodded. But the nervous glint did not leave her eyes.

Of course, it's Stefan.

Who else could it be?

Who were you expecting, Ira?

You're so quick to react.

Stefan was my first cousin and Elisha's boyfriend. Stefan had always been a good friend of mine. He, Elisha, and I did most things together. But I had made it explicitly clear to them when they had started dating that I did not want to third wheel their dates. They had always respected by choice and never invited me to their proper dates.

Of course, the three of us still went out for dinners, lunches, the carnivals, and various other outings.

However, Elisha's nervousness was definitely worth doubting tonight. Why had she not told me about Stefan joining us? Why had Stefan not told me himself? Something was wrong... majorly wrong. Elisha was never the one to be hesitant or nervous.

"Elisha?" I placed my hand on her arm.

She took in a deep breath and with a determined look on her face, she entwined her fingers with mine as she guided me to the reservation section.

"Will you say something?" I asked, as I let her guide me. "You're scaring me. Did you both do something behind my back?"

We stopped at the entrance of the reservation section and my eyes scanned the tables for Stefan. I had half made up my mind to turn around and leave. Avoidance was better than regret.

"We actually set you up on a double date," said Elisha, in a hurried tone, just as my eyes landed on our table.

Double date? What the—

Stefan was there and he was talking to another guy sitting next to him. Apparently the guy that they had set me up on a double date with.

I am leaving. I'm not going on random dates. What is wrong with these two?

The guy next to Stefan... His features seemed increasingly familiar. The light brown hair, the same green eyes, the dimpled smile.

I could not feel my heart beating anymore. My stomach dropped and my blood ran cold.

Maybe Elisha was guiding me towards the table because I could feel the distance between me and him reducing. I was moving closer and closer to him. Until he was right before me.

His chocolate brown eyes caught mine and I saw them grow wide.

Elisha must have made me sit down across from him because now his eyes were almost at level with mine. They reflected horror, maybe my own horror.

For months, I had yearned to see him again. To apologize, to rewind what had happened that day, to erase that moment from our lives forever. I had fervently wished for things to return back to normal, for our friendship to not die, for my best friend to not go away.

But I had never mustered up the courage to visit him or call him, or for that matter, to even confront him. I had always been too scared, too ashamed.

However, that was four years ago. I had missed him terribly then. There was no denying it. But I had learnt to eventually let go of his thoughts. To some extent, at least, if not completely. Now he was only a subconscious presence in the back of my mind, the only reason for this being that we had spent our entire childhood and teenage years together and so he was a part of every memory that I had of my life.

Those months of agony had taught me the lesson of moving on and cherishing my self-respect. I had come to terms with the reality. I had finally understood that I was not solely responsible for our ruined friendship. He had a part to play too. Thus, my desperate yearn to see him again was long gone.

I had moved on in life, far more than what he must have imagined. I had changed, I had matured. I was not the same Ira that he had left behind. Today, I respected and loved myself and I knew my worth well enough.

But here he was now, leaving me without words once again.

He was one who had been my best friend. He was the one who had left me. He was the one I had fallen in love with. He was the one who had broken my heart.

He was Jace. And he was here.

There were more than seven billion people in this world. Seven billion. And out of all of them, Elisha and Stefan had found Jace to set me up on a blind date with.

Stefan cleared his throat. "Jace, this is Ira. Ira, this is Jace." His eyes lighted up as they moved to Elisha. "And this is Elisha."

"Hi," said Elisha, her chirpy tone agitating my already anxious mind. "Nice to meet you, Jace."

Jace. How easily that name rolled off her tongue.

"N-Nice to meet you, too," said Jace, a smile on his face.

Gather yourself, Ira. Raise your chin up.

"Hi, I-Ira," said Jace.

My breath caught in my throat at the sound of my name. It had been so long...

Brushing off the chills that ran up and down my spine and the hammering of my heart, I clutched my handbag which was lying on my lap with a death grip and looked up with a smile.

I avoided his eyes with a conscious effort and looked elsewhere. "Hi, Jace. It's good to see you."

I failed in my efforts to not meet his eyes. His dimpled smile made me unconsciously avert my gaze towards him.

A million emotions flickered in his eyes and my stomach clenched. Could he see the same in my eyes or were they as blank and empty as I felt right now?

"Uh, do you guys know each other by any chance?" asked Stefan.

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked away, hurriedly blinking back tears.

What on earth, Ira? You've changed, remember? Don't lose yourself again.

"We were friends in school," said Jace.

His words pierced like an arrow through my heart.

Friends, of course.

"Oh my goodness, that's surprising," said Elisha, placing a hand on my arm.

I remained quiet and let Jace answer all the basic questions. He seemed too good at pretending anyway.

"So, for how long are you going to be in Emberhill, Jace?" asked Elisha. "I hope you're staying for the carnival."

"Two months," he said, "then I have to go back and apply for jobs."

Great. He's not going to be here forever.

Two months. I can handle two months.

"You know, Ira is a professional baker. You should visit her cafe with us sometime. You will fall in love with her baking," said Stefan.

The waiter arrived to take orders just then and I was relieved for the distraction. This small talk was not awkward for Stefan and Elisha, but it was suffocating me.

I want to leave.

"Ira?" said Elisha, "your order?"

"A veg burger, please," I said, uttering the first thing that came to my mind.

"And?" prodded Elisha.

I glared at her. "I'm good, thank you very much."

Elisha got the signal and quickly nodded.

I felt Jace's gaze on me, but I refused to pay any attention to him. Instead, I narrowed my eyes at Stefan, who had already grasped the fact that my blood was boiling because of this decision of his.

Stefan had not grown up in Emberhill. He had been sent away to a boarding school abroad for his education, as his parents believed that education in Emberhill was nothing worth an applause. Therefore, Stefan had not known of mine and Jace's friendship. He had only come back to settle in Emberhill after Jace had left to go abroad to pursue his degree.

"Why don't we go back to Coffee Tales after dinner? The desserts there are swoon worthy," said Elisha. "And Ira just baked a fresh batch of her infamous almond cookies."

I stomped on Elisha's shoe under the table, and she yelped.

"What happened?" asked Stefan, his forehead creasing with worry. "Are you all right?"

"N-Nothing," Elisha quickly gave him a smile. "I just thought that I'd seen a bug over your head. But it was just my eyes playing tricks on me."

"But it did not look like—" Stefan started.

"The food's here," I said, as the waiter arrived at the right time.

The next few minutes were spent in silence as food was served.

Jace's gaze on me intensified. Baking, almond cookies, cafe, all of it must have brought back forgotten memories for him.

Coffee Tales. After countless number of days spent thinking and speculating, we had come up with that name together.

When did he come back?

What is he thinking?

Did he know that I was coming here or was he caught off-guard like me?

Everybody started to eat, chatter refilling the air.

I took a bite of the burger, as unappetizing as it looked, not because it was terribly made but because I had bile hitting the back of my throat.

"So, Jace," said Elisha, a huge grin on her face.

Something told me that I was not going to like whatever she was going to say. She had that annoying glint in her eyes which implied mischief. Had she not gotten the hint yet? If Stefan had grasped my anger, then why hadn't she?

Oh, Elisha...

I was about to say something and distract her, but she beat me to it.

"Are you single?" she asked.

The bite of burger moved down my throat slower than the world around me that had stopped turning. It choked me, as silenced descended around the table, the chatter of the restaurant a distant dull ring in the background.

"I-I have a girlfriend," said Jace.

And a stone buried my heart under its weight.