I'll Take This Pain

“'Cause I’m not your princess, this ain’t a fairytale.”

- White Horse by Taylor Swift

I just wish everyone could just be good for a second. I wish everyone could just let me go or let me die. I’ve tried so many times, but I still can’t go. Every time I take hold of that small knife, I think about my mate who may be looking for me, who may be waiting for me, and I can't do it. I’ve been waiting for him, because they said your mate will take you for who you are and love you. I hope my mate will take me for who I am, broken inside and out.

Werewolves have their mates, or soul mates. The person who will complete them and love them; their other half; the love of their life. It was a really magical thing to see werewolves find their mates. The dreamy little look in their eyes. They said when you find your mate, you will smell the most intoxicating and delicious smell ever. Then when you look into their eyes, the whole world stops around you. When you touch your mate, every little accidental brush on the arm and every little touch, will send electricity coursing up your skin. Sending tingles into your veins.

I’ve been hoping for my mate, wanting my Prince Charming to come and sweep me off my feet. I’ve always imagined him to be handsome and loving. I’ve always imagined a Disney princess scene.

“I’m only telling you this because life can do terrible things.”

- Terrible Things by Mayday Parade

An Omega is the lowest ranking in a werewolf pack. ‘O’ is the last alphabet in the Greek Alphabet, so that makes Omega the lowest ranking. I, Scarlett Rose Davis, am the Omega and Slave of the Broken Shadows Pack. I don’t know why I got this position, but they said that it was because I was ugly and unexpected. I don’t know if it’s true because I don’t think I am ugly. I think that I am just average. Being an Omega isn’t easy. The beating when you do something wrong. The words that they say to you get lodged in your brain, and don’t want to come out.

Being an Omega hurts. A lot.

An Omega is also very rare because most packs treat their pack members as equals, but I guess my pack is an exception, because they treat me like dirt. They said that I should be proud of being an Omega because Omegas are rare.

I’ve always had dreams about being an Alpha’s mate and being a Luna. But dreams are just dreams and this is reality. I have never stood up for myself in any way. There’s no use in standing up for myself because that will only get me into more trouble. I’ve been beaten many times and I’ve gotten used to the pain. The pain just feels great. The only way I release my feeling is through the pain, because pain is all I’ve ever felt. I have MDD, Major Depressive Disorder. MDD is a mood disorder that is characterized by a loss of interest or pleasure in almost all activities, and by loss of appetite, sleep, or psychomotor functioning. It also means a decrease in energy, difficulty in thinking or making decisions, loss of self-esteem, feelings of guilt, and suicidal thoughts and attempts.

I’ve tried killing myself two times, and I failed both times. I don’t know why I am still living because there’s no more meaning in life; no one wants me around, and everyone wants me dead. I used to have the perfect family: a beautiful younger sister and amazing parents, but they all betrayed me. My sister’s name is Lindsay. Lindsay has blonde hair with brown eyes. She has beautiful long legs and a perfect body. She used to be sweet and adorable, but during middle school, she changed into a slut. Her clothes became shorter and shorter, and she’s out of control now. My dad is the Beta of Broken Shadows Pack, and his name is Tom. He's tall, with messy brown hair and blue eyes. He's a great Beta. My mom’s name is Sarah. She’s beautiful with a head of wavy blonde hair and grey eyes. Meanwhile, I have wavy brown hair and brown eyes with a chubby face.

My mom began to change after she had Lindsay. She would call me a mistake, and started hitting me. My father began to join in because I was a disgrace to the family’s name. But I didn’t do anything wrong. When I was 14, my father volunteered me to be an Omega, and everyone in the pack agreed. They started hitting me if I served breakfast a second too late, or just for fun. Their words would cut deep and be lodged in my brain. The harder I try to forget, the more it gets stuck in my brain.

I looked at the alarm clock next to my bed. At least I had a bed, but I slept in the attic. It was my sister's old bed. I don’t have a mattress, but I have a duvet. I sat up in my bed and began walking to the bathroom without getting to stretch. I took out a big hoodie and a pair of worn-out skinny jeans. After doing my morning routine, I rushed downstairs and started making breakfast in the kitchen. It took me half an hour to finish breakfast and once I was finished, everyone started waking up. I rushed back up to the attic and took my hobo bag from under my bed. I rushed down the stairs and the front door. I slowly walked to school—the other place where I would be treated poorly.

I pulled my bag higher on my shoulder and continued walking towards school with humans and werewolves. I sighed, waiting to go to my favorite spot. It was a beautiful cliff overlooking the ocean near our packhouse. The waves would always splash down on the bottom of the cliff and there were jagged rocks. I always stood near the edge. I always thought about how easy it would be to die just by jumping off of the cliff and falling onto the jagged rocks. Sometimes I just laid there in the green grass, looking up into the blue sky, wondering how life would be if my family didn’t betray me...or how life would be if I wasn’t born at all.

Once I reached school, I went to my locker to grab my books, and when I turned around someone ran into me, making me hit my head against a locker so hard that I saw stars. “Hey, slut. Watch where you’re going.” A voice said. I looked up and saw him. Aiden Brooks. The soon-to-be Beta. Since I don’t have a brother, Aiden Brooks was to take over the Beta position. I slowly stood up and bowed. “I’m sorry, Beta,” I whispered. I stood straight and continued walking towards Literature. Once I entered Literature and sat down, the bell rang and the teacher came in. I kept my head down, listening to the teacher explain, and writing down notes.

The whole day dragged on with pushes and insults. The last bell rang, and I went home and started making dinner. After making dinner, I went out to the backyard and shifted into my snowy white wolf, which had a patch of black fur on its eye. I was an early shifter. No one knew I shifted because I kept it a secret and hid my scent. They thought I was a weak human. I ran to the cliff with my clothes in my mouth. Once I reached the cliff, I put my clothes down, and I lied down with my head on my paws. I looked out into the evening sky. I was about to doze off when a rustling behind me made me go into an attack position. I looked towards the rustling and saw a brown wolf come out. I recognized it as an Alpha wolf, so I lowered my head. The wolf nodded and came closer. I stood still and looked at the wolf in the eyes, his black eyes instantly drawing me in. I sniffed the air without making it obvious. The scent of pine cones and freshly mowed grass filled my nostrils, and the scent itself almost make my legs wobble.

He was Caleb Asher. I've seen his wolf before. The wolf walked in a circle around me and rubbed his head against my front leg. He was my—

“Mate.” He said into my mind. I walked back to the edge of the cliff and lied down with my head on my paws. He came closer and nudged my side before lying down next to me and touching his snout against mine. I didn't have the scent of an Omega, because my wolf isn't an Omega, even though I am. I closed my eyes with a question in my mind: Will he reject me once he sees who I am in human form?

I slowly stood up and bowed, then ran. I ran like there was no tomorrow. I ran away from my mate, Caleb Asher. I didn’t hear paws behind me. He wasn’t following me. He just let me go. I took the long way back to the packhouse. When I was a few blocks away from the packhouse, I heard a heartbreaking howl.

An Alpha’s howl.