Letters From an Ex-wife

Jonathan winced as he woke up, the cream curtains of the window were wide open and sun rays were directly shining on him, blinding him for a moment before his eyes adjusted to the light as he blinked. He looked around the room, the antique vase that his wife no ‘ex-wife’ he reminded himself had adored so much was now lying broken on the floor. The bookshelf which was once filled with her favorite books was now nearly empty with one or two books lying here and there, rest of the books were either torn in half and were lying on the floor or they were burned and were now nothing but ashes. The photo frame holding a picture of him and Liza gazing at each other was now broken and shards of glass were strewn across the floor and the picture itself was now ripped just like his heart. He wondered where the love which was filled in the eyes of the man and woman gazing at each other in the picture had faded away leaving nothing but a blank look. The pain of betrayal had crushed his soul; it had cut him deeper than any knife could. Along with the agony his soul was feeling, came the throbbing ache of his head. He winced once again as his head ached and he remembered exactly why Liza hated alcohol as he took in the sight of broken beer bottles lying on the floor. He put on his slippers and managed to go to the medical cupboard in the bathroom, dodging the pieces of glass, to save himself from more pain. He took out an Advil and swallowed it with tap water, not caring whether it was clean enough for drinking or not. He splashed some water on his face and stared at the man in the mirror. He had dark circles, his skin was pale in color and there were some bruises on his face from the fight at a bar, his clothes were crumpled, in short, he was a mess. Last night had been hell for him, after throwing Liza out of his house he had drunk himself to oblivion, he had gone to the dimly lit bar and had drunk enough tequila to surpass the amount of blood in his body. When the owner of the bar had thrown him out because it was past the closing time, he had emptied his stash of liquor too. It was a miracle that he had not suffered from alcohol poisoning. When he had entered the bedroom the previous night all the memories of his beautiful Liza and all the moments they had shared in that room came crashing down on him but along with them came the betrayal. He wanted to forget her, but all he could see was how she looked when he told her that he wanted a divorce, her deep chocolate eyes were rimmed from red, her brown hair was tangled, her usually smiling face was expressionless and although he knew that she cheated he still felt guilty that he was the one who put Liza in that state, ‘How do you know for sure that she cheated on you?’ asked a small voice in his head. He believed what he saw, he had heard her talk in hushed whispers to someone late in the night, he had seen her sneak out of the house, he had witnessed her nervous behavior whenever he asked her about who she was talking to, he had seen her hug someone else and had seen that someone kiss her forehead and yet the small voice in the back of his mind kept telling him that ‘maybe Liza is innocent, maybe she never cheated’ but the larger part of his mind shut that voice. He believed what he saw, and even though he wished he never saw it, he couldn’t ignore it.

He had seen these signs long ago and yet he had ignored them. What frustrated him the most was the blank look in Liza’s eyes when he had confronted her. She hadn’t even looked guilty, she just stared at him with her red-rimmed eyes. She wasn’t begging him not to sign divorce papers but instead with a calm face and yet shaky hands she had signed the papers as if she was expecting it. He knew that he hadn’t been the most faithful husband but at least he had felt guilty after what he had done. He hadn’t even seen a speck of guilt in her eyes, instead, she had a shattered look in her eyes. How could she feel broken after cheating on him? He had made sure that Liza never knew of his betrayal because he didn’t want her to feel the pain of betrayal but he had never guessed that he would have to be the one to go through it. He had hated himself the moment he had signed those divorce papers because he knew that he had signed away the love he held for her. But he couldn’t live with the woman who had betrayed him. ‘A bit hypocritical don’t you think?’ his conscience questioned. And for that moment he felt that he had made the greatest mistake of his life but the very next moment he was filled with blinding rage and jealousy towards the man who had dared to touch Liza.

Frustrated by the constant battle inside him he let out a shout which would have surely startled his neighbors and sent all the birds in the nearby areas flying. He looked around the mauve room, broken bottles were lying everywhere, and yet among the stench of all the liquor, Liza’s sweet scent lingered. In a fit of rage, he began destroying everything that held memories of her, in destroying all the evidence that she even existed he knew that he was destroying himself but he didn’t care. There wasn’t much of him left anyways.

Jonathan sighed as wrapped the gauze around his knuckles, wincing at the pain. As he for the second tie that day took in the view in front of him, the first thought that came to his mind was that ‘Liza will kill me’ and once again it hit him there will be no Liza in the house to get angry at him because he had already kicked her out of the house yesterday. Shaking his head and suppressing the wave of pain that threatened to drown him again and making him seek sweet reposition of intoxication, he began clearing the broken bottles and pieces of the freshly broken mirror, and he picked up the half-torn books and threw them in the trash bag along with dark broken pieces of glass. A cloud of pain and depression was looming over him, threatening to pour with a vengeance. He wanted to remove every single trace of Liza from his presence, so he began the task of removing every single thing that reminded him of her from the room.

Within an hour he had managed to empty her closet and put all her stuff in a box ready to be sent wherever she was living. After that, he began to empty the side drawers and the dresser. While he was emptying one of the shelf’s which once contained Liza’s old stuff but now mostly contained the ripped-up photos, the remnants of their time together. He found an antique metal box and he wondered how it had managed to survive the storm of rage last night. There were beautiful ornate flower patterns engraved on the black metal, covering every visible surface of the box, and in the middle of the beautifully crafted network of these flowers sat a big green gem. He had never seen the box before, so out of curiosity, he opened the lid of the box, and as soon as he did that dozens of letters came tumbling out. They were in every imaginable color. He wondered who had written these letters, maybe Liza’s lover with whom she had cheated on him, thinking about it made his blood boil, and once again the smaller part of his mind began whispering that ‘ maybe Liza was never at fault’. He grabbed a random pink-colored letter and opened it. That letter was dated six months back and in his Liza’s beautiful handwriting there was written ‘To, Dear Jonathan’.

He closed it and grabbed another letter it was dated 2 years back and was again written to him, he opened many letters one after another hoping to find the proof that he desperately needed to justify that his Liza had cheated but each of the letter he had opened no matter when it was dated it was written to him and was signed as ‘Eternally in love with you, Yours and only yours Liza.’

Jonathan held his head in his hands as he sat on the now somewhat clean floor of his bedroom, his back resting against the bed. His head was spinning with questions ‘when did Liza write these letters?’ ‘Why did she write the letters?’ ‘What is written in them?’ and most importantly ‘Why did Liza never give me these letters?’ The after-effects of his last night‘s drinking fest hadn’t faded completely and all these questions were confusing him more than ever. He wanted to read those letters but was afraid of what he would find in them. So he did what any normal guy would do in this situation, he called his sister. Alice was Jonathan’s twin sister, both of them were fraternal twins, while Jonathan had gotten his sharp features and jet black hair from his father, Alice had inherited her auburn hair and all her delicate features from their mother. The only thing common between both of them was their mother's green eyes.

After calling three to four times Alice finally picked up the phone. “What do you want?” was the first thing she asked, her voice was a bit hoarse and her tone was accusing. ‘Of course, Alice would know about the divorce, she is Liza’s best friend after all ‘Jonathan thought to himself and then replied “I want to ask you something?” he asked. “What do you want Jonathan? Haven’t you done enough?” she asked sharply. This sent Jonathan's anger soaring high "What did I do Alice, huh? It was your best friend who cheated on me, who broke my trust. I thought that at least my own sister would understand, but no, you are always on her side aren’t you? You know what Alice go ahead and tell your slut of a friend that I never ever want to see her again “Jonathan ranted. Suddenly he heard a faint strangled sob coming from the phone and he heard Alice whispering in a soothing voice, “Don’t cry Li don’t cry. He is not worth your tears, Come on, you go and have a shower while I finish talking to him “. He heard some shuffling in the background and after a few minutes, Alice said “Call me, when you have your sanity back Jonathan, and don’t you ever dare to insult Liza, my brother or not I won’t hesitate to harm you. That girl has been through enough already “ “ Who was with you Alice ?” he asked hoping that there was someone else with Alice, that someone else had heard his insults, someone else who is not Liza. “ Who do you think, it was Jonathan?” replied Alice, her tone defeated, and with that, she ended the call.

All the anger drained away from his body now that he realized that he had called the woman he had loved a slut, he had insulted her and she had heard it. It pained him that the strangled sob that came out of her mouth was due to him. ‘If you are so much worried about her pain, why didn’t keep faith in her?’ the annoying voice of his conscience piped up. He had called Alice in hopes of clearing some of his confusion but by the end of the call, he had only gotten more confused. He threw his phone away from him and in frustration. That’s when his eyes fell on the box full of letters from Liza that laid open on the crumpled maroon bedsheet. Hesitantly and with trembling hands he picked up the first neatly folded letter in the box and opened it. It was written in black ink on a beautiful rose-colored paper. And as he read he felt himself being drawn into Liza’s words ‘13 July 2010

To Jonathan, I will probably never give you this letter but I am still writing it for the sake of my sanity. I have been going crazy ever since you asked me out. I am so confused and I don’t know what to do. My feelings are all over the place and I am stuck in a whirlwind of emotions. Isn’t it crazy that when I wanted your attention you never looked at me that way and now that I am trying to save my heart by keeping my distance you are pleading with me to let you in? I am torn between the instinct to protect my heart and to let you in and give in to my feelings. You have always been out of my league Jonathan, I am just a simple girl and you are like some celebrity in the university. Amongst so many girls vying for your attention, what made you notice me? I am just a wildflower when compared to them. I had a crush on you ever since Alice introduced me to you, not that I will ever admit it in front of you but then you opened your mouth and ruined it all. When we had met for the first time you had behaved like an arrogant jerk, you were so sure that I will fall for your looks and charm just like other girls, and that day I had been more than happy to deflate your humongous ego which would have put dinosaurs to shame. The look on your face was priceless when I told you that I would rather stay alone than falling for some wannabe celebrity. We continued our banter for days to come and unknowingly we became friends. It wasn’t until the end of our first year when I began noticing little things about you like how you rake your hair when you are nervous or irritated or how you put your hands in your jeans pocket when you feel sad. It was around that time when I began falling for you and before you think that I began falling for your looks let me tell you that I didn’t care for your looks. I fell for the guy who cared so much for his sister that he ran out in the pouring rain just because she had a cold and wanted some chicken soup, the guy who was so loyal that he would rather suffer the punishment than betray his friends and the guy who was capable of so much compassion that he allowed some stranger to crash in his house when there was a storm outside. When the second year came you began flirting with me, making me blush at every chance you got and that was when for the first time I felt that maybe just maybe you also liked me the way I did. But then as soon as the thought came it flew away when I found you and Victoria kissing in the hallway. I was crushed. Alice asked you about it and you said that it was just a kiss and nothing more than that. It was on the same day when Matthew, a guy from our class, asked me out, and unable to refuse the hopeful look on his face I had said yes. At first, you had been angry but when Alice reminded you that it was none of your business your anger drained out and you became sad. However, it was my only date with Matthew, and to be honest it sucked because you were the only thing that I could think about during the date. I was so angry at myself for not being able to chuck you out of my mind and for having these feelings for you when I knew that you would never be serious about such relationships. I wanted to talk to somebody so bad but I had no one to talk to because talking to you about my feelings would have been painfully awkward and Alice being your sister could not know about my feelings for you. So I started maintaining my distance from you, instead of coming over to your house for sleepovers, I began calling Alice over to my dorm, Talking to you only when it was absolutely necessary. I tried to ignore you as much as I could. I had no idea until today that keeping a distance from you had affected you too.

As I was going to the cafeteria today, you caught my wrist and I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through my arm, from the look on your face you felt it too. I asked you what did you want and you replied that you just wanted me. I was shocked and happy but then I remembered that you are never serious about these things, my mind going back to that kiss you shared with Victoria last year and your answer after that. I think that I was more affected by your answer to Alice about that kiss than I was by catching you and Victoria kissing. I told you to stop playing games with me. Your grip on my wrist tightened as if you knew I was going to walk away and then you told me that you were done with hiding your feelings and trying to suppress them. You said “Please Liza, give me a chance and give us a chance. Will you please go on a date with me?” The sincerity in your voice and that look in your ever expressive eyes asking me to give ‘Us’ a chance shocked me and I would have agreed to go out with you right away had my mind not protested bringing back my low self-confidence and making me question that why would you even want me. I told you I needed time to think and you said that I had all the time I needed and that you will be waiting for my answer and by the look in your eyes I could tell that you will wait for me even if I take an era to answer I will tell you ‘Yes’ tomorrow. I know that you were never serious about relationships before but I also know that you will never hurt me, at least not intentionally. I have my own insecurities Jonathan, I have my own nightmares and it will not be easy for me knowing that although you can have any girl in the university you are still choosing me. I am afraid Jonathan but I trust you. I trust you enough to leave my heart in your hands, I just hope that you will not break it and maybe it is too soon and maybe I am crazy but I think that in all the time in which I was trying to keep my distance I have managed to make myself fall for you even more.

Eternally in love with you, Yours and only yours Liza.’

Jonathan had often wondered that what had been going through Liza’s head when she had asked for some time to think. He remembered how he had wanted to stop Liza from going on that date with Matthew, there was jealousy raging inside him when Liza had agreed to the date but along with it he had felt fear, he had been afraid that Liza might fall for Matthew. Initially, he had enjoyed bantering with Liza and within months their casual bantering had turned into friendship. He didn’t remember when or how he fell for Liza. He just knew that loved Liza, he loved the way she shyly tucked her hair behind her ear, the way she bit her lips when she was nervous. He loved that although Liza was the sweetest and kindest person he had ever come across she was never afraid to stand up for her views and was feisty as hell when someone crossed her. He knew that Liza was insecure and that she had her own emotional baggage to carry but he loved even that part of her because it was what made her his Liza.

There was a soft smile on Jonathan’s face as he forgot about his demand for divorce, Liza’s betrayal, and just remembered the sweet old times. There was no trace of the hungover man he had been before reading the letter as he read it over and over again.