Master Gallagher

I suppose it was always understood that the negro girls with a lighter skin tone worked in the main house while the rest worked out in the burning sun on the plantations. Somehow, I got really lucky. I remember the day when my mother was called into the master's house. I was afraid, thinking the worst, but to our surprise, he mentioned his son: William Gallagher was in need of a maid. My mother was overjoyed; she thought that this was a great idea. She did not wish for me to spend each and every single day of the rest of my life working out in the field, with the sun blazing at my back, my feet aching, soreness all around.

William Gallagher.

I remember the first time I met him. I was six and he was eleven. He was sparkling blue eyes filled with innocence, blonde locks, a charming smile... My father had been called into the house, and I had had to wait outside like a dog, alongside the actual dogs—which I really liked. There was a German Shepard called Dusty. He was very loving and kept licking my face. Unfortunately, after that incident, Dusty had to go have a bath and get cleaned up after being seen near... me. I didn't understand at the time. I didn't understand at all.

He asked me if he could touch my hair, William of course.

I replied, "Sure, can I touch yours as well?" He nodded and I smiled. Those were the first words we ever said to each other. His hair was soft and silky, unlike mine.

"I always imagined it would be harder, but it's actually very soft," William said softly.

William's father then abruptly came out. Was fuming and kicked me to the ground, which really hurt. He pulled William by his right arm and shoved him into the house. I remember perfectly the words he then said to my father: "Fredrick, keep that thing away from my son. Don't ever bring it here again, near my family."

That's when I realized that we were different, unwanted.

My great grandmother was a maid for the Gallagher family. They had land in Africa, in a small country called Southern Rhodesia (now called Zimbabwe), colonized by the British. When the Gallagher family moved back to Britain. They were so fond of my great grandmother and her obedience and hard work that they brought her along. That's where my name came from: 'Panashe' means 'God is with us.' In French, 'Panache' has a very different meaning. I only know this because one of the slaves who had been brought from France told me about it. Unfortunately, he died way too early. Another horrid beating. He always said what was on his mind and did not care a single bit about what the masters thought of him or being obedient.

I suppose we all wish we had those guts.

It wasn't that easy!

The first time that William touched me, I ran back home, about four kilometres. I wasn't thinking about how this would affect my whole family. I had been put high up on the slave food chain, and here I was, causing them shame. I went straight to the slave commune, the house where all the slaves stayed. I told my mother how Master William had touched me and taken my virginity. I was disgusted with myself because he had a wife and a five-year-old son, even though it was not my fault. My mother calmly said, "Nashe, you're there to serve him and his family. Never question it."

The very next morning, Master William came to the ranch... looking for me. I was grateful that he did not tell on me. He told his father that I had come to visit my family for a little while.

I was terrified of going back, but I had to.

You would think that if you accommodated the master's sexual needs, he would at least treat you with some human decency... Clearly that was a foolish thought. The William I had met when I was six had changed. He had been made aware of his white privilege, and he had become just like them. He treated me worse than waste. He made feel dirty and useless, but most of all, he made me feel ugly. I failed to understand how he could continuously throw heinous words at me every single moment of the day and yet, at night, always somehow find his way into my room in the basement.

I wasn't allowed to touch him. So I didn't.

Instead, I just laid back with my legs wide open. He would do what he needed to do. Sometimes, I got moist with anticipation, and sometimes I was dry with hate, which only made it awful and agonizing on my end. I always tried my best to think of happier things.

I wasn't allowed to look at him. So I didn't.

I always looked to the side. At the wall. Anything but him. I managed to sneak peeks at him when he closed his eyes while on top of me. I figured he had to imagine someone else to be able to stomach the awful thought of being inside me.

He never smiled at me, not that I expected him to. Master William was very precise about how he needed things to be done. He set very specific rules, which I had to follow religiously:

1) My private area was to always be trimmed and hygienic.

2) I was never ever to mention this to anyone.

3) I must always expect him at sundown.

4) I was never to give his wife any ideas about our affair.

I had to cut my hair short. Lady Tracy had claimed that I was trying to seduce her husband and that she had seen my hair in the food. So she told me to fetch the scissors and proceeded to diabolically cut my once shoulder-length hair off.

After visiting my mother, she styled my hair appealingly, commenting that I was almost twenty-one and that the young men needed to start approaching me. That part made me insecure... I had nothing to offer. Master William had taken everything I had to offer. It was how I had been raised. The Gallagher family was very Christian and allowed the slaves to attend church with them. That was where I had learnt how to read, just enough from the Bible. Slaves were not to be caught reading any other book besides the Bible.

I got many compliments from my friends and family in the commune. They said that I was even more beautiful with short hair and that it complimented my dark skin... I begged to differ, but I appreciated it. Master William asked who had given me permission to cut my hair off. I told him that it was an order from his wife. They then had a little argument before it was all forgotten. I assumed that Master William was only chafed because now he couldn't even look at me while pleasuring himself.

Liam was an absolute angel. He was named after Master William, but they shortened his name so as to not cause confusion. I liked to think that Liam was still untainted. He treated me the way he would treat anyone else. No one is born with hate... It's taught. Sooner or later, he would realize, and he would no longer treat me the way he did.

I was convinced that my assigned chore was to accommodate Master William's needs, because there was not much to do around the Gallagher household. I took care of little Liam, cooked, cleaned, and did the laundry. Nothing new really. Lady Tracy was always home; she would invite her friends for tea or she would leave me alone. I felt that there was no need for a maid and didn't understand why I was doing everything that Lady Tracy was capable of doing herself... including pleasing her husband. I knew they were intimate; she never managed to close her mouth when they were at it. I assumed she wanted me to hear...

But what did I care? Master William was her husband. Why did she constantly want to embarrass me when it was already clear that her husband couldn't stand the sight of me? I, by no means, wanted to snatch her husband, even if it was socially possible.

I had even considered writing to Master William's father. I would rather go work at the plantations with my mother. I was very sure he could find a replacement; there were many more appealing and lighter girls who would love to take my place. I must really sound ungrateful for this opportunity to sit almost all the time, but... it had its downfalls. I enjoyed being with Liam, but…

I just couldn't be near Master William.

The most terrifying thing about this job was awaiting my period at the end of each month. I was always paranoid. I still wanted to get married and have a husband who would love me, but Master William could ruin that for me. He refused to take any precautions.

Abstinence was the best precaution.

At least for me.

—

Master Gallagher was buckling his belt when I decided I wanted to say something. I was afraid, in a panicked state, but I had to do this for my own safety. It was not acceptable for a black woman to give birth to a... mixed breed. I would certainly get punished for it, and I did not plan on doing that. I was not allowed to speak unless spoken to, but…

"Is there something you would like to say? Spit it out because you look pathetic pouting your lips like that. It's not appealing, nor is it attractive! Not that you're attractive..."

I gulped and immediately looked away. My eyes searched for my clothing.

"Out with it!" He said roughly. My heart started beating faster.

"M-Master William... I think we ought to be more careful. I am of age, and I would still like to get married, and—"

This made him laugh.

I felt like an idiot.

"You actually think you will get married?" He said arrogantly, rolling his eyes. He turned to my dressing table in the corner, which Lady Tracy had given to me so I could see if I looked presentable for her visitors. He checked if he looked alright, fixing his blonde hair.

"Y-yes," I replied. Maybe that was a rhetorical question, but my hands were shaking.

"No one will marry you. I will be honest, you're the least attractive or good-looking Negro I have ever come across. You should be glad I even touch you!"

He always found a way to deflate my confidence.

"But Master—"

"Don't make me repeat myself. I will continue pulling out; nothing will happen. For the past three months, it has been working well. Have you missed your period? Of course not. You didn't even attain an education, so do not assume that you can teach me biology!"

I kept quiet.

"Am I speaking to myself?"

"N-no, sir..."

"Good."

—

That night, I cried. This wouldn't end well for me.