My Girlfriend's Death

I am dead.

I can’t believe I am dead.

I can live my real life right now. No more sorrows, no more losing things, no more anything.

My mom is waking me up, not knowing I am dead. I can see myself lying on the table.

“Wake up, Kez. Come have dinner,” she says sighing. “Your room is so messy, you should clean it.” She tosses one of my pillows, arranging my bed. She spots the poison, which I drank an hour ago. Her eyes widen at the sight.

“Kez, are you ok?” she asks shaking me. “Oh, am I dreaming?”

You are not the one who’s supposed to wake up, mom, because this is not your nightmare. It is real.

“Kezya? Wake up!” She panics; I can tell she doesn’t know what to do. My mom bursts into tears and runs to the living room heading for the phone.

I am dead, mom, and I am not coming back.

Kezya is dead; I’ve been repeating it since I heard it. Why did she do that? She could have told me what she was going through.

I failed, I failed as a boyfriend. I should have been there for her. My head is buried in my hands. I must look pathetic, but the last thing I can do is care.

I hear the bell ring, and my chemistry class finishes. I take my bag and leave without making eye contact with anyone.

Someone bumps into me, hard. I look up to see Jack, “Sor—whoa, dude. Your eyes.”

I don’t know what he’s talking about. “I think you need some sleep,” he says, his eyes widening.

I haven’t slept since I got the news. How can I sleep peacefully when she’s dead?

“Ok,” is all I could say.

I don’t want to talk to anyone; I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I need Kez. I need her to comfort me and tell me that it’s going to be ok. But that’s never going to happen.

Was I good to her when I last met her? Did I make sure she had a good time? I don’t think so.

She was there for me, always. Even her "Live Your Life" lectures are what I need now. Why am I even thinking this when I wasn’t there for her?

“You fine?” Jack asks me. For a moment, I got lost in my thoughts.

I nod. I am not okay, not with Kezya dead.

“I know it’s hard, I miss Kez too,” he says fiddling with his backpack.

I don’t reply to him because I don’t know what to say.

He starts walking away from me, and I start walking too. Why would she kill herself? I was there the whole time. The whole god damn time. How did I miss the signs? We loved each other. That’s the truth. They might’ve not known who Kezya was, but I knew her.

The first time we met was high school freshmen year. She was the new girl, but she already had a lot of friends in Deorgon.

She had shiny black hair, blue eyes, and brown freckles starting from the bridge of her nose all the way to her cheeks.

The first thing I noticed about her was her smile. She had a beautiful smile. A smile that would light up the whole town, she always had a positive vibe around her, and she always lit up the room she was in. I noticed her well enough.

That day that Kendal got bullied by Wesley and his team in our school, Kez was the one to stand up to them. She was fearless.

She was not just beautiful outside. She was beautiful inside out.

Sophomore year, there was this party. The moment I got there, I searched for her. I needed her to know that I had feelings for her. I finally found her talking to a bunch of people. I talked with her for a while alone, and little did I know that a month later, Kezya Cerise would be my girlfriend.

I miss her, I miss her so much. I would do anything to bring her back. I just want her. A life without her would be a nightmare, a nightmare that I would never wake up from.