Shattered: The Awakening

Emmy Insomnia claims me once again. I lay motionless thinking back to how things used to be. I miss you mom. I wish you were here. Trying to soothe my anxiety I think about what she always used to tell me when I would feel this way. She’d tell me to think about being in a forest filled with lilies and to breathe in the exotic scent for it had a way of calming me in the middle of a storm. I turn on my side drawing the cover up to my chin thinking if I could only go back to yesterday.

As a child I was always falling or just getting into mischief. At the silly age of 5, I thought I could ride my first bike without the training wheels. My mom watched me from the kitchen window. I sneakily took the training wheels off making sure mom could not see me. For the life of me I don’t know how I knew how to do it, but the wheels came off.

Standing up I felt like I could take over the world. I got on the bike and started pedaling. I was feeling free until I turned my wheel sharply and ran into an oncoming bike. I remember the crashing noise like it was yesterday. I started screaming to the top of my lungs. The other girl was screaming even louder.

I recall mom running toward the collision. I could see her wiping her hands on her apron all the while I was wailing like no one's business. Mom laid the bike down and we both were looking at my knee. It appeared to turn black and blue. Mommy told me to turn my head. She told the other little girl to do the same. We both looked away at the same time and the girl grabbed my hand and we held each other tight. Mommy took her warm hands and massaged my knee. I felt a tingling sensation as the pain went away. When I looked at my knee it was normal again. Mommy scolded me for riding away from the house but what she said went in one ear and out of the other. Thank goodness there was nothing wrong with the other girl. I learned her name was Alice.

That day was the first day I met my best friend Alice, and we became inseparable. I found out Alice was spending the summer with her grandparents. We played together almost every day that we could, then as quick as she came, she was gone again because the summer was over. We both cried, Alice was six months older than me and was going into the first grade while I was going to kindergarten. We made an oath as young as we were to remain friends for the rest of our lives.

As time continued to pass mommy and I would meet up with her friend. Sometimes I was allowed to speak and other times I had to remain quiet. I remember her friend being nice to me. He’d smile like he knew me, and mommy was always sad when we would leave him.

I loved how my mom and I would curl up in bed. She would read from this big black book. There were little stories about witches, warlocks and other people. At the end she would brush my hair from my face and kiss my forehead; I felt so loved.

When I turned eight, I was at school and we were told to bring something for show and tell. I could not think of anything more exciting to bring than mommy’s big black book. I didn’t ask her. I just took it without permission thinking it would be nice to read one of the stories since they were exciting and meant so much to mommy and me.

When it became my turn to share my item, I pulled the black book out my bag. Suddenly the windows in the classroom closed and some papers flew off the teacher’s desk. Everyone sat straight up in their seats. One boy asked if the book was magical. The teacher told the boy not to say such silly things and then slowly walked toward me. My heart started to beat wildly in my chest. I hadn’t done anything wrong.

She calmly asked, “Where did you get this book, Emmy?”

I explained that the book was a family book, and that mommy would read from this book all the time. The teacher said as she turned towards the class. “It’s nice that Emmy has brought in a family heirloom, but we will have to move to the next student. She can bring the book back at another show and tell.”

I felt sad and disappointed because no one got to see my show and tell assignment. After class the teacher asked me to stay for a moment. The teacher explained that it was not a good idea to bring a book like this for show and tell and to never bring the book back. I became so angry that the book fell from the bag and landed on a page that read, “what you won't let me do today will come back to haunt you one day.”

When I got home that day, I tried to sneak the book back into mommy’s room before she could notice it was missing, but she was waiting for me in the kitchen. I tried to hurry past her, but she wasn’t having that.

“Just a minute, young lady.”

“Hi mom,” I said hoping she didn’t ask about the book.

“How was school today, Little Bird?” She called me by my nickname. I wasn’t in trouble yet, I thought, hoping I would be able to get away with my little stunt.

“It was ok.”

“Did anything happen that you want to talk about?”

“No.”

“Sit down at the table, Emmy.”

My heart started to race once again like it did when I was in school, but I did as I was told. I set my backpack with the book next to me. As mom came to the table, she placed two cookies and some milk down on the table.

“Emmy, you are never to take the black book out of the house ever again. Do you hear me?”

I bit into my cookie trying to figure out how she knew. She always knew when I did something I wasn’t supposed to do. Mom reached for the book from my backpack and placed it on the table in between us. Mom sighed and gave me a half smile.

“Sweety, this book is special. It’s only for us. No one else can see this book. It’s our secret, okay?”

“Okay.” I perked up at the word secret.

“Did anything happen at school that I should know about?”

“This cool thing happened where the windows closed on their own and paper flew around when I brought the book out. The teacher was mean and told me to not bring the book back ever again.”

“That’s okay because it’s our secret now and we don’t want others to know about it anyway. Next time come to me and we can think of something for you to bring in to show and tell together, but remember the book never leaves the house. I will know and I will be very upset that you broke your promise.” She stood up and walked away with the book. I was relieved that she wasn’t mad, but how come the book had to be a secret and why could it never leave the house?

Still laying down I enjoy thinking of the memories I have with my mom, but it makes me realize how much my life has changed since then. Switching positions, I now lay on my back and my mind again wanders back to the good times I shared with my mom.

Alice and I were now 10 and 11 and we were on the sidewalk playing hopscotch when a black impala drove up our driveway. I saw the man get out. He wasn’t the normal man mommy had special meetings with, which was another thing that I was to keep secret. I ignored this man and kept playing hopscotch. Alice wanted to be nosy so we both ran up to the screen door and watched in amazement. I had never seen my mom kiss anyone, especially this man. Alice and I started to giggle as we did this. They pulled away from each other, then mom asked me to come into the house. That usual feeling I got when anxiety was mounting washed over me. I open the screen door with Alice right behind me.

My mom sat me down as the man stood next to her. I was skeptical of him. “Emmy, this may come as a shock, but this is your father.”

Alice and I looked at each other. We had just talked about this a few months back. I could not tell her who my dad was because I had never met him and now, he was standing before me in the flesh.

Mom tells me not to be rude and to say hi. The man walks towards me and then kneels in front of me. I looked over at Alice who had a Kool-Aid smirk on her face. I extended my hand and said, “it’s nice to meet you.” This man had big teeth, big dimples, his hair was a golden blonde color which reminded me of honey. He reached for my hand and said, “Emmy it's nice to finally meet you.”

I sat there dumbfounded. Where did he come from and why now? It had been my mom and me all these years; why did he have to show up now? I was unsure about how I felt.

Mom then asked Alice to go with her in the kitchen and prepare something to drink. As they disappeared into the kitchen my dad asked how I had been, he asked about my grades in school, what my favorite color was, he even wanted to know what I liked to eat. I answered not knowing why he was so interested in me. I wanted to ask where he had been all these years, but for fear of the truth I just answered his questions instead. He then told me I had older twin sisters. That’s when he asked, “How would you like to come to my home and spend the weekend with me and your sisters?”

In utter shock I could not speak. I was thinking about what was really going on here. Is mom really going to let me go with this stranger? Before I could answer him, Alice and mamma reappeared. They had a tray with drinks and cookies on it. Cookies always made me feel better after all mom always called me the cookie monster. Alice and I sat silently eating cookies and drinking tea as this stranger and my mom talked as if they had known each other for ages, but if that was so why was I just meeting him now?

Once I had eaten all the cookies I wanted and drank all the tea, I asked if I could go back outside with Alice to play. My mom looked disappointed that I wanted to leave but gave me a soft smile and said, “Go ahead. Your father will be coming back to see you again.” Before I turned to go outside, I said, “It was nice to meet you, mister.”

My mom corrected me and said, “Emmy, he is your father. You should address him as dad.” The man patted her arm and told her it was alright, that it would take time for me to get used to him. He was right about that.

Alice and I talked about my father until the streetlights came on. We sat right between both our houses. Alice’s mom and dad had just gotten a divorce, so Alice was going to be staying full time now at her grandparents’ home. I was so relieved to hear this. I needed my best friend now more than ever. Although Alice was sad that she would not be seeing her dad as much. I was gaining a father. I guess it could be okay, we would find out as time moved forward.

That night as mom was tucking me in, she asked if I would like to go see my dad on the weekends. Afraid of disappointing her like earlier I agreed, but she knew well and sensed my hesitation. We talked about how it was only going to enhance my life and make things better and she wanted to make sure my dad would be able to take care of me in case something happened to her. She told me to try it before I decided. It was fair, but I kept thinking there was something missing, something she wasn’t telling me.

Time has really flown by. I'm in my second year of middle school. It is now wintertime. I had been going to my dad’s house for over a year. I would go because mom said it would be good for me even if I dreaded it because I hated leaving Alice. Sometimes I wished she could go with me. My dad lived two hours away so that meant Alice’s mom would not let her go. She always came up with an excuse why she could not tag along. Alice’s mom didn’t really like my mom for some reason, but that didn’t stop Alice and me. We were like two peas in a pod. When winter came, Alice and I both got our period at the same time, two days apart. Both our mothers sat us down and gave us the talk. Even though Ms. Jones wasn’t fond of my mom, they socialized when things were important like this.

As I got older, mom and I spent more and more time reviewing and reading the black book. I realized there were more than just stories in there, but I couldn’t fully understand what the other stuff meant. It didn’t matter, though because the book meant the world to my mom and therefore it meant the world to me.

I remember one time we went to the grocery store. As usual we picked up only what we needed. As we stood in line waiting to pay for our groceries mom pulled out a ten dollar bill. She mumbled that she thought she had more money than this. When she was about to perform a miracle of some sort, she always told me to turn my head. She didn’t want me to see what she was doing. When the clerk said what the total was, mamma handed her a fifty dollar bill. I just looked at mamma and wondered how she did what she did.

She laughed as the lady gave us the change and we went off with groceries in hand. I don’t know how she would do things like that; it amazed me, which is why I remember those moments the most.

Then one dreadful day, mom got sick from a rare illness. The doctors couldn’t explain it as she withered away. I noticed when she got sick, she changed. I don’t know what the change was, but I didn’t like it. It felt like something was off, but I never figured out what it was. Sadly, mom passed one day without warning. I thought she had more time, but it would seem fate had other plans.

Emmy

Six months later…

My life has changed for the worst. I now live with people I don’t like but try to love. I have never felt like I belonged here even though my dad made sure I had my own bedroom and I had everything I could want. He was rich and gave me my heart's desire, but it wasn’t the same. My mom was always there for me. I didn’t know how I was going to cope with a family that didn’t seem to care much about me.

My dad is a man of mystery. He works for a company that sends him out of town often and when he is in town, he’s in his study or has a phone glued to his ear. We have never really gotten to know each other. He thinks he can just buy my love. It was like I got thrown into this other world with two hellcats for sisters who enjoyed making my life hell and a father who couldn’t be bothered to spend time with. Where was that black book when I needed it? Where was mom when I needed her?

Out of the twins, Sam isn’t so bad at times. She tends to copy Tori a lot, but when Tori isn’t around, Sam isn’t horrible. But Tori and Sam are almost never apart. I remember when I was about fourteen, I had been living with them for about a year. Tori had to have her tonsils taken out, which put her out of commission for several days. I was sitting on the tan sofa watching TV; it was raining so there was nothing better to do than watch movies. Sam shocked me when she plopped down next to me and asked what I was up to. Is this a trick, I remember thinking as Sam’s big brown eyes looked at me. “Just chilling,” I simply replied, afraid she might lash out, but she didn’t. To my surprise she asked to join me. As we spent the afternoon watching silly chick flicks and eating junk food, I couldn’t help but think this is what it’s like to have a real sister. I felt wanted and almost nostalgic as if I was spending time with Alice.

The next several days Sam hung out with me. We talked about boys, makeup, clothes, and all the things I imagined I would talk to an older sister about. Of course, I never got too personal afraid she might use it against me; my anxiety was still there but slowly going away the more I felt accepted. I felt accepted and it was nice to feel wanted again. However, my bliss of having an older sister didn’t last long because as soon as Tori was better Sam went back to her old self. It was as if the last few days never happened. This act of thinking my sister was coming around stained my pillow with tears. The disappointment still gets to me, which is why I was very careful not to peel too many layers of my feelings away. My heart ached for acceptance, but in time this too would pass.

Tori is the worst of the worst. She makes Cinderella's stepsisters look sweet. Tori is constantly mean to me and she loves to mock my mom for being poor. Their mom is like our dad, she comes from a wealthy family and a sophisticated background. One summer while hanging out by the pool, our dad brought over his latest fling. He dates many women, some he brings home, others we never seen but know are around. I was tanning along with the twins, a rare moment in time when I could be in their presence with no real consequences.

The woman was tall, young, thin, and had long blonde hair. She was perfect, I thought, as our dad flaunted her to us. I felt intimidated by her because of how beautiful and perfect she was. The whole afternoon I felt uncomfortable. I never recalled mom bringing any men around me, only the one guy we had secret meetings with, and then my dad. I wished I could go back to being blissful about what adults did in their spare time.

As my dad and the young woman left, Tori made a comment. “Omg, can you believe dad? I hope he doesn’t accidently knock that one up; we wouldn’t want another Emmy in our lives.”

“I’m sorry I’m such a bother to you,” I replied, wishing I could go back to being a ghost.

“Well, I’m just saying that Sam and I don’t need our father to knock up some bimbo again. You were a total accident, unlike Sam and me, who were planned. Just because Daddy and our mom are separated doesn’t mean he has to sleep with pretty gold diggers and sluts. I hope you don’t turn out to be a slut like your mom.”

My mouth dropped in shock and anger.

Sam laughed. “That would mean boys would have to like her, and let's face it, sis, she isn’t exactly a cheerleader. What nice guy would want to go out with such a loser?”

“I know, right? She’s just so pathetic,” Tori said as she stood up to gather her things.

“I’m right here you know.” I crossed my arms against my chest as I huffed.

“Whatever, who cares.” Tori sneered as her and Sam walked back towards the house leaving me alone and feeling like I didn’t belong once again.

I never used to feel like an outcast when I lived with my mom, but in this world, the twins rule. They were popular and well-loved at school and in the community. They enjoyed making me feel unwelcome. Last summer the twins had a giant pool party. Our dad had gone away on a trip which was common for him. Dad had no clue this party was being thrown. Everyone was there. During the first half of the party, I stayed in my room scared to walk out and be mocked, but as I sat looking at the party from my bedroom window, I thought about something mom would always tell me: “Be brave, little bird, and always fight for your dreams.” I loved her little nickname for me.

With newfound confidence I marched down to the party, but that was a mistake. The minute I stepped foot outside the back door and started walking to the pool I felt sick. Anxiety was building. For the first fifteen minutes, I was a ghost. I was at the twins’ party, which was a huge deal. I didn’t care if I wasn’t noticed, in fact part of me preferred to stay ghostly, but it didn’t last long. Evan, one of the twins' friends, pointed me out to Tori.

Tori gave me a slick smile. Oh no, I thought, this isn’t going to end well. Evan, Sam, Tori and a few others marched towards me. Evan tossed me over his shoulder and headed to the pool. I screamed and begged him to put me down. I felt panic over taking me. One minute I was dry, the next I was soaking wet. The group jumped in after me. I tried to swim away, but someone caught my leg and pulled me back. I yelled as they dunked me under the water. Water filled my lungs. I tried breathing but I couldn't catch my breath in between dunks, plus I was panicking. I thought about someone saving me.

Suddenly I heard a muffled voice amongst the water and my screams. Strong arms came around me and pulled me to the surface. I clung for dear life to my savior, gasping for air. “What is wrong with you guys?” I recognized the voice. It was Carter. Everything was in slow motion as he gently pulled me from the water.

Carter helped me sit on a nearby chair. He kneeled in front of me as he struggled to breathe. “You okay?” I nodded my head; it was all I could do. In that moment Carter was more than just a handsome face. I always liked him. He was kind to me, and right then, he was my knight in shining armor. He saved me. It was like he heard my prayers, or we had some strange cosmic connection between us. It was the most bizarre feeling. After a few moments I ran to my room terrified and traumatized by what just happened.

I roll over thinking about Carter. That wasn’t the only time I felt a connection with him. Just a few months ago I was sitting in the kitchen watching the snow start to fall. Carter walked in; he was normally at our house. He was good friends with the twins, and our dads were best friends. He quietly sat next to me.

“You look sad. What's up?” he asked, putting his hand on my arm.

“The holidays are coming. I miss my mom.”

The holidays were hard without her. I missed our simple Christmas traditions like baking cookies, watching Christmas movies, and putting up the decorations. These were some of my favorite memories of her. Here with my other family, Christmas was all about gifts and nothing else; I hated it.

Carter consoled me. He tried to cheer me up with some rock songs since we both like the same music. It was odd he always seemed to be around when I needed someone. Ever since that day at the pool party when he came to rescue me, he was always nice to me. He was so good looking, but there was more than that between us that I still couldn’t figure out. Something deep inside me tells me this is more than a silly crush.

I roll onto my stomach hoping this new position would help me sleep. My mind is now on my upcoming birthday. My birthday used to be something I enjoyed when my mom was alive. Every birthday since I could remember she would make my favorite meal and bake my favorite cake. We would eat in front of the TV and watch whatever movie I wanted. After that we would eat cake, play games, and talk. It was simple but fun.

I remember my last birthday before mom passed away as if it was yesterday. That morning I woke up and she took me out shopping for some new clothes. She even let me skip school, something she never let me do. After we got home Alice came over to hang out while mom prepared dinner. She was making chicken parm with spaghetti and garlic bread. She was also baking a chocolate cake with chocolate icing. I recall mom not feeling well, her rare sickness was slowly taking her, but she wasn’t going to let that stop her from spending time with me.

Alice stayed for dinner which was odd because my birthday dinner and cake had always just been for mom and me. But this year Alice stayed. We sat our butts right in front of the TV and watched a chick flick. We ate my birthday cake with milk while we played Candy Land like when I was little. Right before bed, Alice left. As I was getting ready for bed my mom walked into my room. She looked sad.

“Nothing is wrong, little bird. I’m just so proud of you. You’re growing up to be a fine young lady and that’s all a mother could want.” She then took my hands into hers, “Remember that even when I’m not here with you that I love you. Be strong and fight for what’s right. You’re stronger than you know and more powerful than you could imagine. I know none of this makes sense now, but it will one day. Now it’s time for bed. How about I read you a bedtime story from our secret book just like when you were little?”

I nodded my head confused by her words, but I felt closer to her than I ever had before. It felt like more than just a mother daughter bond, almost as if something grander connected us. It was strange but then again it had been a strange day. It was a different birthday than normal and somehow more special than all the others.

Now, however my birthdays aren’t special. My dad just buys me tons of gifts. If I see him it will only be for a few minutes before he has to leave to go do something, and the twins ignore me unless they feel the need to make fun of me. Although Alice lives far away, she and I still share a special connection. She always tries to be the first one to call me on my birthday. Sometimes it feels like she’s right here with me. Our talks still make me feel like she could be my sister. Even though I look forward to my birthday calls from Alice, I also dread my birthday because it’s just another painful reminder that I’m alone and my mom is gone.

Even though I’m sad I look at all I have, and I am grateful. I still have Alice. She's always there for me. I have a family even if they aren’t the greatest. Most importantly I have strength from these hard experiences. They have given me a thicker skin to deal with life’s obstacles. Even when I feel weak, I know I’ll survive because my mom raised a strong young lady.

As I feel my mind slowly drift to sleep, I think about how much has changed since my mom died. Most of it hasn’t been for the better. I start to process the change that I’ve been feeling deep within me. It feels like my core is changing, like something is awakening within me. It feels strange and yet familiar as if I’ve always known it was there subconsciously.

The change feels powerful, new, and as if I’m on the brink of discovering something amazing. I first felt this change a few months ago, but I ignored it thinking that I was losing my mind and trying to find a way to escape my lonely reality. However, as my birthday gets closer, I feel this strange thing inside of me get stronger. My gut tells me something will happen, something that may change my world yet again.