Silhouette

“You’ll always be your mother’s daughter, that’s for sure.”

I looked up. It was my father who had uttered those words, of course. I couldn’t count the number of times he had said them. One would think he loved my mother so much and that since I looked so much like her, he would be emotional or something every time he looked at me.

But nope, that wasn’t the case. As usual, he had gone out to gamble. Then he had lost, as usual, putting us in even more debt than we were already. And then he had drunk a lot to “take away his sorrows” or something like that. And now he was standing in front of me and was going to start spewing words at me, so I could feel as bad as him—or even worse.

“Dad, you’re drunk. Let’s get you to your room.”

I left the computer and went towards him, so I could assist him into his room. If I left him all alone, it usually morphed into something out of some soap opera. He would drunkenly shout out the most stupid things, then probably lose his footing somewhere, pass out, then wake up the next morning in a pool of his own vomit.

I had seen it happen too many times not to know how it was going to go.

“Don’t touch me, you filthy whore. That’s all you were ever good for. Fucking.”

I swallowed the hurt I felt at his words. I knew they were not directed to me, but to a mother I had never known. But I couldn’t help but feel defensive. She was my mother. She had brought me into this world, hadn’t she? I didn’t think she was as terrible as Eric Graham—my dad—made her out to be.

I had heard a lot of things over the years, things a child, actually, things no one should ever hear. It had been pretty traumatizing. Imagine growing up and being told your mother “was too fucking pretty for her own good, and that’s why she fucked everything that moved.”

Or “you look like your whore of a mother. I bet you’re going to spread your legs just as much as she did.” I had tried my best to make my father proud of me, despite all he had ever said. But I was twenty-three now, and I was still as far from the goal as I was at six.

“Dad, don’t do this. You’re just going to be sick again,” I said softly, trying to cajole him.

“Get your hands off me!”

I sighed.

It was sad to say this was a regular occurrence. Dad comes back drunk and angry after losing at his games. I try to lead him to his room, so I can change him and get him to bed. He proceeds to insult me and my deceased mother while refusing to cooperate with me. And when I finally do get him to his room, we are both tired. My mood is ruined, and I can’t do any more work for the rest of the night.

I had wanted to move out as soon I was done with college. But given everything, the expense of an apartment when we already had this house for would be a luxury.

It was a miracle that my dad had not touched the fund my mom had left for my college education. He had run through the income of the family business so suddenly that Wilson & Son which used to be successful, or so the other people of this weird little town tried to tell me, had become run down and debt riddled.

“That bitch had to curse me. Gave me a daughter that looks exactly like her,” my dad muttered.

I sighed inaudibly. I was used to his dumb words. But that did not mean they didn’t hurt either. It was no secret that my father had always wanted a son. And I had ended up being the only child he had had with my mother. You would have thought he would remarry to get other children, but apparently, my mother had “ruined women for him.”

He was now a certified woman-hater. And not even I, his daughter, was exempt from that hatred.

“Dad, please move. Let’s get you to your room.”

“You’re a fucking dumb bitch! I didn’t tell you I needed your help!” he said, then he slipped and lost his balance, falling straight on the couch behind him.

I fought the tears that were threatening to fall. I should be used to all of this by now. The insults, the condescension, the blows. But there was still some part of me that was holding out and hoping for change. I was hoping that he would come to his senses one day and that he would be remorseful about the way he had treated me.

I watched as he flailed helplessly on the couch. I knew if I offered him a hand, he was just going to rebuff me. And I wasn’t ready for the hurt that would come along with that action, so I watched him struggle until he actually gained his balance then stood.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Don’t ask me dumb questions.”

I watched him as he went in the direction of his bedroom, making sure that nothing happened to him. When he got in and banged the door so loudly, I winced, I was convinced he was okay and so I went back to my computer, opening it and staring unseeingly at the screen.

It was hitting hard. Everything was hitting hard right now. The house we were in had been in the family for generations. The business had been in the family for a long while as well. I didn’t want to imagine losing it.

All my life, since I had been a little girl of six, I knew I wanted to take over the business. A lot of my friends had dreamed of leaving this town for bigger cities, and some of them had actually left. But my destiny was in Youngstown, and I wouldn’t leave if I had a choice.

And with every passing day, it seemed like I had no choice in reality. This town, while not that small, was not crawling with opportunities, especially when everybody knew the reputation of your father. Who wanted to hire the daughter of one of the biggest drunks and gamblers in the town? It didn’t matter that I wasn’t the same. Reputations tended to follow each other here.

So, there was no chance of a brighter future for me here. But I knew I was brilliant. I knew the bigger cities had a lot in store for people like me. And that if I was resilient, I was going to find something that would truly help the business stand on its feet.

I sighed and put my head down. I was scared to even look in the mail because the bank had surely sent a notice. Seeing all the zeros was probably going to give me a heart attack, and I would become one of the youngest people to die of a heart attack.

Plus, Wilson & Son had stopped bringing in a profit. I had tried to get my dad to sign it over to me or at least give me actual management, so I could make major decisions, decisions I thought would be beneficial for us. But I was apparently useless.

It made me so mad. I wished I could just shake him and bring him back to his senses if he had ever had them in the first place. He was letting his bad image of my mother cloud his head, and it was because of that image that I couldn’t do anything worthwhile.

I had proposed to sell the house or at least rent it out. But the look he had given me had squashed all my ideas. And I had so many of them. The house was extremely big—about six rooms. We were just two of us. And we definitely couldn’t afford what the bank was asking us to pay every month.

But it was a “family tradition” for the house to pass from son to son. And so, I had to keep quiet. I almost had no say in it. Almost? I had no say in all this. It was sickening, and the worst thing was, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I sighed and looked down at the computer. Soon, I wasn’t even sure we would be able to afford the electricity and water bills. Luckily enough, Wilson & Son was not far from home, so I didn’t have to worry about gas of all things.

That was enough worrying for the day, I thought. If the person who had caused a lot of our problems could sleep peacefully, then I was going to try as well. I was stressed out, but I didn’t want to look it. I put the computer on sleep then walked tiredly to the room, but not without drifting to the thoughts of a knight in shining armor coming from nowhere to help me with all this. Then I shook my head. It was of no use to wish for futilities; it was never going to happen.

I climbed into bed and closed my eyes, willing sleep to reach me faster.

***

I didn’t realize when I had fallen asleep. But when I woke up the next morning, I had could recall in vivid detail the dream I had had. Maybe thinking about a Prince Charming had had more of an effect on me than I thought. In my dream, someone had come and defended me from my father’s vile words, protected me, paid all the debts off, and helped me accomplish my dreams. It was nice to escape reality for a while. Even if it was the most unrealistic thing I had ever dreamt of. Unicorns were more likely to happen.

The first thing I saw when I went to the kitchen was my father sitting at the dining table, his face grim. There was a piece of paper in his hand, and my mind immediately went to the worst. My heart started beating hard in this weird panicky way, and I almost thought I was going to pass out.

“Dad? What’s wrong?”

My father’s pale face was looking even paler. He looked up at me with bloodshot eyes, and unsurprisingly, there was resentment on his face. I stepped back a little, involuntarily.

“Dad?” I asked again.

“This is all your fucking fault,” he said with venom in his voice.

I swallowed then took all the courage I possessed and walked towards him.

“What happened?” I asked, trying to curb my annoyance. It was clear that it was something serious. And he didn’t want to say anything. Just put the blame on me.

“The house. We have 26 days. Or they’ll take it away. There. Read,” Dad said, then he threw the paper at me.

I sank into the dining chair opposite him and picked the bill. I looked up after a few seconds and felt the weight of all the frustrations we had gone through lay on me.

“What are we going to do?”

“What are we going to do? I told you, Reine. I fucking told you not to go to college, for now, so we could pay the loan. And you refused. Now, look. Where the hell are we going to start from?”

He was screaming, and I couldn’t help the tear that ran down my cheek. “Dad…”

“You’re so fucking stubborn. Just like your mother. And the business will follow. I know this was what you wanted all along.” He was sounding more and more manic, and it was making me very angry and very sad.

“None of this is my fault,” I said quietly. “I’m not the one who gambled most of our fortune and profit away.”

I chanced a look up at my dad and regretted my words instantly. “Dad…”

“After all I’ve done for you, you dare say that to me? You fucking dumb bitch. You’re going to fix this. I don’t care how you fix it. But you’re going to fix it. And you’re going to make sure that everything is paid off before the twenty-six days are up.”

I watched my father storm out of the kitchen, then I slumped into my chair. Where was my knight in shining armor? The one who was supposed to save me, and stop all of this from happening? I bent my head on the table, and I couldn’t stop the sobs that racked my entire frame. This is what I had feared. Graham & Son was our only collateral apart from the house, so it was clear that if I didn’t clear a huge chunk of the debt, it was the next thing that the bank was going to target.

There was only one thing I could do at this point. I could either sit here and mope around until the twenty-six days were up and have my childhood home, with all the memories (even though most of them were morose) torn away from me. Or I could make a way for myself.

I was a fighter. I had never let my father’s words get to me that hard. I had never lost hope that he would one day treat me like he loved me. So, I was not going to lose hope now. I was going to do everything in my power to get the house back, to clear the debt. And I was never going to stop trying to get my father to love me, despite how resistant he was to the idea. He would end up giving in, whether he liked it or not.

Now I had to call up the only person who had stuck with me throughout the years, my best friend, Sandra. She was in Seattle, and I knew she would help me out in the blink of an eye, so long as I asked and so long as whatever I was asking was in her power to fulfill.

So, I went to my bedroom and picked up my phone and dialed her number, twiddling my thumbs as I waited for her to respond. She picked on the third ring, and I smiled as I heard her cheerful voice. She was the one person on earth that could make me laugh randomly.

“Hi, babes,” she said.

“Hi there, love,” I responded, then bit my lip. We spoke a little, caught up on whatever had been going on in our lives for the past month.

Then I went straight to the root of the matter.

“I need to come to Seattle. Can I stay with you for a bit? I won’t be a bother; I promise,” I asked, biting my lip.

“Why are you even asking?” Sandra asked, “of course you can. But you’re leaving Youngstown? You of all people? When are you going to be here?”

“I’ll explain everything when I get there, which should be in about a week. Okay?”

“Okay.”

After a few more platitudes, she hung up, and I was left staring into space. And praying. Oh, I needed this to work, how I needed this to work.

I had never left my hometown. I had never had any reason to; after all, there was everything I would ever need in it. A college where I had gotten my degree, and a family business I had hoped to take control of one day. But things changed. And I didn’t know whether that change was going to become for the worse or the better.

A few weeks ago, if you had told me that I would be leaving Youngstown to go to Seattle, I would have probably scoffed in your face. My entire life had been in my hometown. I was born there, I had gone to college there, and I was even sure I would marry there and have kids as well. I knew I was going to bring up all of my kids in that safe environment, and I never envisioned leaving it for more than two weeks or so.

But now, here I was, at the airport, preparing to embark on a journey that was either going to make me run with my tail tucked between my legs, or come back and prove to my father that I was strong.

He had not spared me a glance when I had announced to him that I was leaving. Honestly, I was expecting that. But it hurt when he looked me in the eye and told me he was waiting for me to come back when I failed. I had almost stayed right there. I mean, I was doing all this for him.

I shivered and willed myself to stop thinking about my dad. It was hard when you were making such a drastic change with no one by your side. I had been alone all my life; making friends was not easy in a small town where there was so much stigma against your father. I was used to. But it got so lonely.

I was standing there, all alone. At least my luggage would keep me company.

I tried not to let it get to me too bad. Like I said, I was used to it. So, what was the need lamenting over a situation that I had been in literally all my life? Besides, I was going to a strange place. I needed to feel all the cheer I could right now. And thinking about my dad and how much I would have loved for him to be here was doing nothing for my morale. So, I went over to one of the benches, sat there, and daydreamed some more of a Prince Charming I knew would never exist.

It was nice to pretend sometimes.

***

I had finally gotten to Seattle. Despite my numerous fears, nothing had happened. In four hours, the plane had landed safely. I had not even thrown up or experienced any discomfort. It was a weird feeling being on a plane for the first time, though.

All I was glad about was the fact I had arrived safely. Now it was time to navigate through this city. It was nothing like I had ever experienced. Youngstown was not necessarily small, but it was big to this scale either. And I knew that if I tried to move around like I knew shit, I was going to end up lost or maybe even kidnapped.

So, I called Sandra. She wasted no time in speaking. Hearing her voice, having some kind of familiarity right now in this strange place, felt really good.

“Hey, love,” she said.

I smiled when I heard her voice. Just like me, Sandra was born in Youngstown, but unlike me, she had never loved the town. She had left it as soon as we were done with high school, but we had kept in touch and had remained close throughout the years.

She was that type that exuded glamour and elegance, unlike me who was so awkward. It was no wonder she had made a name for herself in Seattle. I was proud of her, and I wished that I could adapt just like she had.

“Hi, love. I just disembarked,” I said. “And no need to ask. I got my luggage as well.”

“Wow, I’m impressed. That was quick,” she said with a whistle. I guess some things never changed. “Okay, so, I’ll call an Uber for you, and they’ll take you to my place. I can’t get you right now. I’m really sorry.”

I felt bad that she felt like she had to apologize. I was burdening her, and she felt bad about the fact that she couldn’t come and pick me up.

“No need to apologize. I’ll just wait. Thank you,” I said sincerely.

After brushing my thanks away, Sandra dropped the call. A few minutes later, I received a text from her with the details of the car that was going to pick me up. Then she went silent. Sandra and I, even though we had remained close, were not the type of people who could text lengthily through text messages. I was glad we understood each other.

The Uber ride to Sandra’s place was very quiet. I stared out into the city, watching and observing. There was so much traffic. But I guess that was one of the perks of living in a big city. It was fascinating. Youngstown was not the type of town that easily had traffic. The most time I had ever spent waiting on the Highway was five minutes.

I honestly enjoyed the ride. It was so different from what I was used to. Plus, if I was truly going to live here, then I had to get used to these surroundings, no matter how hard it seemed. I sighed and blinked quickly to avoid the tears that were threatening to fall. I wished I had a “normal” family, with a mother who was still living and a dad who cared about me, even if it was just a little.

I sighed again. I had stopped wishing for things at a young age when I understood that there was nothing wishing could do. I just needed to concentrate on my future and make it what I wanted to be, so I didn’t end up bitter and cold like my father.

In some weird way, I missed him. It was hard for us to talk in a civilized manner. But when we did, it was the most amazing thing. I missed when he was sober and when he actually came up with great ideas that were going to help our business grow. I missed when he spoke to me almost like I was his equal, and he didn’t throw my mom in my face every second.

I closed my eyes and let out a silent prayer. Whatever was about to happen, I prayed that it would work out for my good eventually. I hoped that I achieved what I was aiming to achieve, so I could go back home and finally make my father proud. That was all I wanted.

I shook when I felt someone tap me. I looked up. It was the driver. He was staring at me and frowning. I blushed a little. I didn’t know what I had done for him to look so annoyed.

“I have been trying to get your attention for five fucking minutes. Are you some sort of psycho?” he asked in a loud voice and I flinched.

“Sorry,” I muttered in a small voice. I had just arrived in the town, the last thing I wanted was any sort of altercation. This wasn’t a good sign…

“We’re here,” he said, looking at me weirdly.

I rummaged in my bag for a bit, then I pulled out a fifty-dollar bill and gave it to the man. He stared at me a little weirdly, but he didn’t refuse. He took it from me, then I got out of the car. I looked up at the building standing in front of me. It was huge. I had never seen anything like this in my life, not in reality anyway. It looked super glamorous, and I was even scared that me getting in it would stain it. I looked down at myself. I was dressed in a simple T-shirt and jeans with a bag hanging down my shoulder. I felt so out of place.

There was no mistaking that this was Sandra’s building. But still, to make sure, I pulled my phone out and checked for the pictures she had sent. Yup. This was definitely it. It was beautiful, but it looked so… sterile. Like there was nothing to it. But I wasn’t about to complain. She had allowed me to stay here. Our tastes weren’t the same.

I walked into the building, trying not to feel too intimidated, then I went up to the fourth floor. I was counting the minutes in the elevator. It had been a while since I had seen Sandra, and even though we had managed to keep in touch with each other, two years was a long time.

I walked up to her apartment number, and for some strange reason, I felt really reluctant to ring the bell. So, I texted her. Sandra was the type of person who never put her phone down, so I knew she was going to see the text right away. And a few moments later, I heard footsteps, and the door launched open. Before I had the time to even smile, or say anything, Sandra had launched herself at me.

“Baby!” she screamed. I couldn’t help my laugh. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Sandra was an exuberant person. And it was normal. She came from a family where hugs were the norm, and where no one screamed at you for making a little noise.

“I missed you too,” I said, letting my bag fall to the floor, and I hugged my best friend. She was one of the few good things in my life. And without her, I would have been so much more closed up than I was now.

“You look so good baby,” Sandra said when she had pulled away from the hug.

I laughed and looked down at my simple outfit. I knew she was lying. “Oh please, I’m the one supposed to be telling you that. You look like a million bucks.”

And I wasn’t even exaggerating. Sandra’s skin was shiny, and her hair was big and beautiful. Her eyes were shining with laughter, and she looked so happy. I envied her for a moment.

“Okay, so I see I am going to have to give you a lesson on deflecting my compliments again,” she said with a cross look at me.

“No, please. I look good, thank you, babe,” I said quickly, and both of us laughed.

The last time she had given me that lesson, I had heard over one hundred variations of the word beautiful. I was never going to forget that day.

“So how was your flight?” Sandra asked, pulling my suitcase in while I picked my bag up and walked into her apartment. “Did you meet anyone?” she asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

I laughed. She was a character. “Nope. You know it’s impossible anyway. I would have probably run away if anyone had tried to approach me,” I responded, admiring the way she had decorated her apartment tastefully.

“And that’s the problem with you. I swear I am going to find someone and force you to hook up with them!” she exclaimed with a determined look on her face.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the chance of that happening was extremely slim, so I shut my mouth and followed her to what was supposed to be my room.

It was beautiful. The room was painted a soft pink and the decorations, all in different shades of white made a nice contrast. The bed looked so comfortable, and after my flight, I couldn’t wait to lay down on it and get a lot of rest. I think Sandra noticed because she got that maternal look on her face.

“Okay so there’s a bathroom right there,” she said, pointing at a door I had not noticed yet in the room. “You can shower and rest, and when you’re done, we’ll go for dinner and talk about everything. How does that sound?”

I knew her “how does that sound” was just a formality, but I nodded with a warm smile. It did sound amazing anyway. I sighed and sat on the edge of the bed and pulled my phone out. No message or call from my dad to know whether I had arrived safely or not. I stared at it for a while, as if it were going to make a notification appear magically.

I swallowed, then went to his contact and called him. I hoped he picked up.

He did.

“Hi, Dad,” I said. “I know you’re probably busy, but I just called to let you know I got here safely.”

He grunted. “That’s it? C’mon, girl, you know I don’t have time for useless chitchat. Call me when you have actual news.” Then he hung up.

I stayed frozen for some time, the phone still glued to my ear. Then I pulled it away slowly and closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling, but it was useless. I tried not to sob. It was of no use. I should be accustomed to this. I shouldn’t be crying over this. My dad had never shown me any particular sign of love or care even when he was sober, even when my mom was alive. So why was it so shocking to me now?

I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, hoping that the water stream was going to wash my tears away and was going to be loud enough to muffle my sobs.