The Rock Star's Happily Ever After

Caroline I hear rummaging in my kitchen from my bed, but I can’t seem to move. I know that my five-year-old daughter is more than likely making a mess in the kitchen. Still, even though my brain is willing me to wake from my fog, I can’t get my body to respond. 

“Mum?” I hear her ask in a whisper from my doorway. Lottie’s feet pad into my room, but I still don’t open my eyes.

“Yes?” I ask, my voice still thick from sleep.

“Can you make me something to eat?” 

“Sure, I’ll be there in a minute.” I finally open my eyes as my daughter runs out of the bedroom. The room is in complete disarray, and I look around till my eyes land on the lump beside me. My husband is dead asleep, unaware of the world around him. Knox Bryan still looks as good as he did when we met. His unruly brown curly hair is spilling over his pillow as I run my hands through it.

“Oh, that feels good,” he murmurs with closed eyes.

“Yeah? You know what else would feel good?” My hands run from his hair down to his chest.

“What?” His inhale is sharp.

“If you make our daughter some breakfast so I can sleep.” I smile as he cracks open one of his grey eyes.

“I can’t believe how lazy you are.” Knox pulls me into his chest. 

“We got off tour literally twelve hours ago. I can barely open my eyes.” 

“Think about how I feel? I had to put on a show last night.” 

“You’ve been doing it for so long though that I figured in your old age that you were used to it.” My husband is in one of the biggest alternative rock bands in the world, The Hestons, not to mention he is one of the best songwriters.

“Oh, you’re going to pay for that.” In one flash movement, Knox has pinned me below him and is tickling me.

“Stop!” I say in between laughs.

“Say how much you love me and how sexy you think I am.” 

 “Fine! I do, and you are!”

“By the way, I’m only thirty-four.” He lays back down beside me and props himself up on his side.

“That’s still four years older than me. How do you feel about last night’s concert?” I ask while pushing a curl out of his face. 

“Meh. It was all right. I only have two weeks till we have to get back on the road.” He sighs. “I can’t believe you’re both not comin’ this time.”

“I know.” I snuggle closer to him. 

Being married to someone in a band is less than ideal when you want to have dinner with them every night, but we both love being on tour. When we met, I was a guitar technician for the band opening for The Hestons. By the time I was twenty, I was the tour manager of a different band. Our schedules were so hectic the first few years we were together, we were lucky to spend three consecutive days together. Our relationship was always a struggle, but we managed to make it work and got married. When I had Lottie, I quit my job to go on tour with Knox so he could be around Lottie as much as possible. But when the job offer had come to take over as a tour manager for one of the biggest bands, I couldn’t help myself and jumped at the opportunity.

“First time in five years I’m not going to have my girls with me.”

“Knox. It’ll be fine. We have a plan, remember?” 

“I don’t want you to be on tour with them.” 

The band I’m now working for, The Talons, have a less than stellar reputation. Knox wrote their newest hit single and produced a few songs for them, so he knew exactly the type of guys they were. 

“I’m sure it’ll be okay,” I say, trying to be positive.

“They’re a bunch of British assholes with too much money and too young and stupid to see what they got. Did you see the news about them last week? The two were caught in a bathroom with a girl at a club.”

“You realize we live in London and are surrounded by British assholes, right? Come on! You can’t tell me that Danny hasn’t been caught in the same situation.” 

Even now, Knox’s drummer, Danny Baxter, still manages to light up the tabloids with his outrageous behaviour. 

“Danny is an idiot.” Despite himself, Knox smiles.

“He really is. Babe, Rick asked me to come help whip them into shape. He said they’re on the verge of breaking up.” 

When one of my best friends, Rick Schaffer, took over as the band’s manager, he called to ask me to go on the tour. 

“I don’t want anything to happen to you or Lottie.” Knox interrupts my thoughts.

“Honey, did you just meet me? Do you remember me as a tour boss?” 

“I know. You’ll be fine. And I know you won’t let anything happen to Lottie. I’m gonna miss you both so much.” He kisses my forehead.

“Well, I’m not going to miss you at all. In fact, what’s the name of the super cute one that has girls going crazy for? Mick?” I smile. 

“You suck.” He laughs and pulls me in for a long kiss. He starts to move his hands from my hip upward. Our kisses almost become desperate as he pulls me as close as possible.

“Mummmmmmmmy?” I hear a little voice call from down the stairs.

“Damnit,” Knox whispers as he pulls away.

“Coming sweetie!”

“Friday. You, me, hotel room. I’ll get Candice to take Lottie.” Knox grins. 

“Your sister probably has plans for Friday night. She’s newly single.”

“She doesn’t have plans,” Knox scoffs, “She’s a newbie to London. How many friends can she have at this point?” 

Candice Bryan is a gorgeous twenty-four-year-old woman who could light up any room she entered. Until recently, she was dating Felix, Knox’s guitarist, for the past two years, but she had called it quits. Knox isn’t thrilled his baby sister had crushed his best friend’s heart, but there were things he didn’t know about their relationship, and it’s best he be kept in the dark about them.

“Well ask her. If not, we can get a babysitter or something.”

“Who knew having a kid would be a complete cock block?” He says and I punch him in the shoulder.

“I’m going to make our daughter some food. Come join us when you feel up to it.” I slide out of his arms.

I head down the stairs and let my fingers run over the walls. Our house is nothing fancy, though we have enough money to live somewhere bigger, this felt more like our style. We did make sure to get a place with gates and trees to keep out unwanted guests. From band admirers to paparazzi, it felt like we couldn’t move without being stopped by someone when we lived in St James. Knox’s past is tattered with bad decisions, and most of the time people are waiting for him to backslide. Even though our house is in Primrose Hill and still in Central London, I always wanted to raise my kids here.  

 I kiss my daughter on the head as she continues to watch TV. I get to the kitchen and make her breakfast. I drop off her eggs before going back to clean up my mess. I hear my husband greet my daughter before he enters the kitchen. 

“I spoke to Candice, and she can take Lottie on Friday.” He grabs an apple and leans against the counter.

“Lottie will love that.” I gaze at my husband. Even leaning against the counter, Knox’s 6’4 stature is evident. I look closer at his face and notice his scruff is a little longer than usual and the wrinkles around his eyes are a bit more pronounced. 

“What?” He asks, his mouth full of apple.

“Nothing.” 

“Sure. I bet you’re thinking how much you’re going to miss me. Or how much you want to ravish me right here in this kitchen.”

“Yes I am.” I pour myself some coffee. “Not the ravishing. I’m going to miss you. The sex is all right.”

“Is that so?” He wraps his arms around my waist from behind. I can feel the length of him grinding into my ass.

“You can’t do that with our child in the next room.” I suck in a sharp breath as his lips make contact with my neck.

“We could if you keep quiet.” His hands move from my waist down towards my centre. I’m wearing thin pyjama pants, and it’s almost like barely wearing anything at all. 

“Stop it. We both know neither of us is quiet.” I hiss as one of his hands cup my breast, and he gives it a little squeeze. I push him away even though my body is on fire.

“Maybe I should cancel the rest of our tour so we can have more moments like this.” He shakes his head in what looks like an attempt to forget what we are doing.

“You definitely can’t do that. Danny, Pete, and Felix would start calling me Yoko.”

“Maybe Lennon had a point for picking love, especially if they had sex like we do.” He kisses the back of my head. Knox and I have chemistry that is out of this world. While there were many things we had to overcome in our relationship, sex isn’t one of them. In fact, sex with Knox is enough to make me forget my own name, and at times, I did. But that was also before we had Lottie. Now, we are lucky if we have sex once a week.

“You act like I’m leaving you for good.” I sit down at the kitchen table, and he joins me. 

“Who knows, maybe you will.” He tries to hide his smile, and I roll my eyes. 

“You’re an idiot.”

“An idiot whom you love.” He laces his fingers with mine.

“I have to head to rehearsals this afternoon. Can you drop Lottie off at daycare? I’m sure she’s dying to see her friends.”

“Sheesh. She loves them more than her dear old Da.” His Irish accent is always a little stronger when he says ‘Da.’ 

“Can you blame her?” I smile as Knox turns on the TV in the kitchen. I read the newspaper on the table and get lost in a story about a missing dog that was reunited with its owner. 

 “Uh, Car? You might want to pay attention to this.” Knox turns up the volume as I shift my attention to the screen.

“Sources say that The Talons’ lead singer, Mick Davies, was arrested last night for allegedly starting a fight with another club-goer. No news yet on if he’s been released or if he did in fact, start the fight.” The screen then flashes to pictures of Mick yelling at someone and a bunch of people rushing around them. 

“Caroline. This is bad.”

“What?” I ask, even though I know what he means.

“No way you’re going. And no way is my 4-year-old daughter going.” 

“Come on, I know you don’t remember the early days, but you were crazy when we met, and I don’t even want to know what you were like before that.” I cross my arms. 

“Do you not remember the three times in rehab it took me to kick my habits?” He counters, and I try to hide the pain that still sits in my heart. 

My perfect husband and perfect life weren’t so perfect in the beginning. Knox’s cocaine and drinking problem when we met were all-consuming and I almost lost him so many times I couldn’t keep all of them straight. When I was eighteen, twenty-one and twenty-five, I had the same conversation with him; that he either clean up his act or we were done. People called me stupid for sticking through the first two visits to rehab, and by the third, I had lost all my friends and my parents. Our first year of marriage was rocky, with me being on a different tour than him, he kept falling back into old habits. When I found out I was pregnant, I told him he had one choice: to kick it for good because our child wasn’t going to watch him kill himself. 

“We need to have this conversation upstairs, or else Lottie could hear us, and I do not want to explain rehab to a five-year-old.” I say to him and down the hallway. I tell Lottie we’re going to our room and to shout if she needs us. 

The second I shut the door, Knox starts in on how he doesn’t want us to go because it’s unsafe. I try to reassure him, but it doesn’t matter, he’s already made up his mind, and he isn’t interested in hearing whatever I have to say. While our marriage is great, there are moments with Knox where it feels like it's final when he makes a decision. 

 “You’re crazy if you think I’m intentionally putting her in danger with my job. My voice is shaky. I want him to realize I’m never going to put our daughter in danger. I sit on the edge of our bed and hang my head in my hands. This is going nowhere, and I’m trying not to cry.

“I never said that.” He sits beside me.

“No but you implied it. You telling me I can’t go is an indication you don’t trust me when I’ve never done anything to shake your trust. I’ve put my career on hold for the past four years to follow you around the world. Can’t you see that I need to do this?” 

“I know you do. I know you need to feel like you’re more than just a mom even though to Lottie and me, you’re everything. I’m scared.”

“Are you scared about us leaving or the fact that you’ll be on your own again?”

“Both. Since the last time I got sober you’ve always been there.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders.

“I know but you have come so far Knox.” I lean against his shoulder.

“I love you and Lottie so much. I don’t want anything to happen again.” He rubs his face with his free hand. 

“No groupies,” I say as Knox bursts into laughter.

“Gross.” He shakes his head. Over the last five years, I have built a relationship with Knox that’s filled with honesty and love. Even with our past, I trust him more than anything. Still, groupies were always around, and they weren’t going anywhere, even as we get older. The number of times we’ve gotten to our hotel room and naked girls are waiting for him, not knowing I’d be there, is astonishing. Not only that, but the paparazzi are also relentless. Any time Knox is with another woman, no matter who it is, you could almost bet there will be a story.

“Leave those for Danny and Pete.” 

We sit in silence for a moment till Knox turns to me. “I have to ask you a serious question.”

“What?” I meet his gaze.

“Hear me out. What if I take Lottie with me? She knows the crew and us. It might be easier for you so you can focus on the tour.”

It took me a minute to absorb what he’s saying. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, he’s right. Lottie knows the crew and how things went with The Hestons. While Danny and Pete are down to get with any groupie, she wouldn’t be exposed to the same things she might see on tour with The Talons. Not only that, but Knox would also be so focused on taking care of our daughter, he wouldn’t have time to get into trouble of his own.

“You’ll have to get a nanny because I do not trust any of those crew members with our daughter during the show.”

“You’re okay with this?” 

“I’m sad, but it does make the most sense. Plus, you’re right. She knows everyone on that tour.”

 “I’ll make sure we see you every chance we can.” He kisses me hard.

“You better. I need to get going. I have no idea what to wear either.” I say as I notice the time on the alarm clock next to our bed.

“I think you should wear the Johnny Cash tank top with the leather jacket.

“Oh, do you?” I laugh.

“Yeah, that’s the girl I fell in love with. Pinky blonde hair, lip ring, nose ring, Ramones tee, ripped jeans. Be still my beating heart.” He grasps his chest.

“Becoming a mum and wife is a total buzzkill for my image.” I look in the mirror at my short white-blonde hair. I still have the lip ring, but it’s a diamond stud versus the hoop. The nose ring had come out, and the pink hair had gone out of style. 

“At least wear the leather jacket.” 

 “Good call. And I’ll take it off and show off my tattoos, so they know I used to be cool.” I have a few tattoos on my forearms and some on my back. Knox didn’t have any. “I need to get in the shower.”

 “Okay.” Knox stands up and takes his shirt off.

“Don’t tempt me,” I warn. My husband half-naked is enough to make me late on any given day.

“Oh, I’m coming with you.”

“No way. Our kid is downstairs.”

“I want to finish what we started this morning.” He wraps me up in his arms and trails kisses down my neck. 

My body floods with heat as Knox’s fingers trail down to the hem of my pyjama pants.

“Lock the door,” I mumble, and he sprints to the door to secure it. 

Hot hands travel under my clothes, and I’m so turned on already that I want to skip to the good part. But Knox would never. I knew well enough; he wants to make me beg for it. It’s like a dream, but I’m awake and wiggling with anticipation as Knox pushes me back on the bed. His breath is hot on my thighs as he pulls down my pants.

“No panties. My favourite.” He mumbles as I slide my hands through his hair. 

I feel the press of his tongue on the part of me that is already sensitive at the thought of him. He pulls my hips up and settles his mouth at the burning part of my desire. He kisses and licks the aching flesh, and I grab the pillow to put over my face to stifle my reaction. The world kaleidoscopes into incredible colours as I come apart in his mouth. I feel like a pile of mush as Knox removes the pillow from my face and lays a kiss on my lips before taking off his clothes.

“I know we do this a couple of times a month but remind me that we need to do this more often, especially if you’re going to do that.” I grin up at him as he tugs my shirt off.

“Sure thing baby. Good thing we can be as loud as we like at the hotel on Friday. I love when you scream my name.”

I don’t have a chance to respond as he kisses me hard. I bite his bottom lip, and his eyes grow dark with lust. He pins my hands above my head and presses into me about a centimetre, making me quiver.

“Don’t tease me,” I say, breathless.

“Tell me what you want.” He whispers into my ear before sucking on my earlobe.

“I want you inside of me.” 

I lift my leg and hook it around his hips. I feel the hot press of him at my centre, and I’m practically salivating. Knox doesn’t hesitate and slips inside of me. I’m so wet that there’s no resistance, and he groans with pleasure.

“Fuck Caroline.” He takes a sharp inhale. 

His tempo starts to increase, and with every thrust, my body responds with pleasurable tremors. 

“You feel so good.” He says in-between straining breaths. 

“Oh Knox.” I bite my knuckles to keep myself from being too loud. 

He is always uninhibited in bed, and our bodies are meant to fit together. I gasp and moan as we race toward the finish line, both aware that we really don’t have that much time to drag this out. 

“Come for me.” He says, and my world explodes. 

Knox thrusts harder, and I come undone as he does the same. I bite my bottom lip to keep the sounds of pleasure from erupting out of me. He collapses on top of me, and I can feel the sweat on both of our bodies. I wrap my arms around him, and he doesn’t move.

“I fucking love you.” He says as he rolls to the side and lets a hand run absentmindedly over my stomach. 

“I love you too. I would love to go for round two, but we have a kid, and I have to work.” I smile and kiss him again.

“Right. We have responsibilities. Remember when we spent the entire day in bed in Florence?” 

“We didn’t really see Florence because all we did that entire trip was have sex. I still think it’s the best trip I’ve ever been on.” I get up and head towards the bathroom. “Go check on our daughter. I need to shower.”

“Right.” He gets up from bed, and I admire his bare ass as he slides on a pair of sweatpants.

God, I’m going to miss him.

Knox Spring in London is here. After a particularly dreary few months, the sun is extremely welcome even with the coldness of the morning. After kissing Caroline and Lottie, I left to walk to the studio. The beauty about living where we do is the proximity to everything I need. The exhaustion seeps into my bones. I’m getting too old to be going on world tours, and this one seems to be more of a struggle than the others. When you’re eighteen and want to sleep with groupies, do a ton of drugs and be up all-night partying, it’s the best. When you’re a dad and a husband, as well as a recovering addict, it’s a lot harder. The rush of the stage is still one of my favourite feelings though.

Pushing through the doors of the studio, the smell of espresso hits my senses. I may not be able to have a beer but damn, if coffee isn’t the next best thing. My feet carry me to the kitchen as if they know all on their own that I need caffeine.

“Hey man,” Felix Norton, The Hestons lead guitarist and my best friend, greets me. He’s wearing his typical black t-shirt with blue jeans. For someone who doesn’t ride a motorcycle, he seems to wear motorcycle boots constantly. His colourful tattoos are all on display, and his black hair is a bit of a mess. His eyes are bloodshot. Whether it’s from drinking or crying, I’m not sure. Felix and my sister, Candice, dated for the last few years, but recently, she called it off. Felix has been nothing short of a wreck ever since.

“You look horrendous,” I say to him as I make myself an espresso.

“Good to see you too,” Felix snorts.

“You know as your best mate; I’m goin’ to give it to ya straight.” I move around the small kitchen, grabbing water to fill the back of the coffee machine. Felix takes a seat at the round table.

“It’s the same shit every day now. Feel sad, get drunk. Get drunk, then feel sad. I don’t know how to get through this. No bird has ever left me before.” He lets out a sigh.

“Candice will come to her senses. She’s going through a phase. You remember being twenty-four? Any sort of settling down would be terrifying.” I take a sip from the cup.

Felix shifts in his chair but doesn’t reply. There’s something about their breakup that they’re not telling me, but I don’t pry. When they first got together, I told them both I’m staying out of it, and if they broke up, I wasn’t taking sides.

I lean against the counter, and we sit in silence for a few more moments.

“What’s up fuckers?” Danny Baxter, our drummer and other best friend, says as he joins us.

Felix, Danny, and I all grew up together in Northern Ireland. We found our love for music early and hit up the Belfast live music scene as much as possible. Felix and I took guitar lessons starting at nine, while Danny said in order to get the most chicks, he was going to be our drummer. After a few years of practicing nearly every day, we finally had a break in a small pub in London. It had been one of the few gigs we did outside of Northern Ireland, and it had been the best thing we had ever done. At that show, we were introduced to Callum Mattis, our band manager, and the reason we’re able to be professional musicians. Callum said even if we hadn’t met him, The Hestons still would have been mega-famous, but I don’t think that’s true.

“Looks like you didn’t go home.” I smirk. Danny is wearing the same post-show clothes he was wearing yesterday, the signs of a good night.

“Naw mate. Met up with some chicks who were at the show. Admit it Knoxy, you miss the life before marriage and kids.” Danny grins and takes a sip from the bottled water he grabbed from the fridge.

I stroke my chin, pretending to contemplate his comment. There’s absolutely no way I miss life before Caroline and Lottie. If it hadn’t been for Caroline, I’d be dead. There’s no doubt in my mind that I would have ended up in a gutter, and all of this would have turned out differently.

“I don’t miss it one bit. But that does remind me. Caroline and I agreed that I’m going to take Lottie with us on tour. At least for the first part so Caroline can get her bearings with The Talons.” Even saying their band name makes my blood boil. The thought of my wife around that idiot Mick for an entire ten-month tour makes me want to pull my hair out. She can handle herself; I just wish she didn’t have to. Thankfully I’ll know Lottie will be safe with me. Or maybe I’m thankful for the responsibility to keep my idle hands busy.

“Ah right. So guess we’ll have to keep a clean tour again.” Felix shoots Danny a look.

“Hey! I never do anything around the Bryans. I’m smarter than that,” Danny says.

“Another thing, I will have a nanny with us, so neither of you can shag her.” My eyes connect with Danny’s because, really, he’s the only risk.

“Hire an ugly bird then.” Danny chuckles.

Felix shakes his head, and I laugh. Danny heads out of the kitchen to go to his space at the studio. For me, the best thing about being in The Hestons is being able to afford our own studio, where we record with only the people we want to. Not only that, but we also have our own offices that sometimes double as bedrooms, depending on how the album is progressing. We also have a space at the back that we can rehearse when we’re not on tour. This is our own rock star sanctuary.

“You gonna tell me how you feel about Caroline going on the road with The Talons, or do I have to beat it out of you?” Felix eyes me.

I let out a breath and place the mug of coffee on the counter. “It’s mostly selfish, honestly. Caroline’s good at her job, you remember.”

Felix nods.

“But what if shite goes south? What if I end up…?” I can’t bring myself to say it.

“It’s been years Knox. There’s no way that’s going to happen. You aren’t the same person.”

“It took me three times to kick the coke habit. It’s not hard to imagine that I could slip.”

“You could. Or you could remember all the things that you have. Plus, you have us. Danny is a bit crazy, and there’s zero chance of him ever-changing. But we’re getting a bit old for all the shit that comes along with the road. I can hang out with you and Lottie. Keep you on the straight and narrow. Don’t worry.” Felix stands and puts his hands in his pockets.

“Thanks, mate. I appreciate that.” I give him a small smile.

Felix gives me a pat on the back and then heads out of the kitchen.

It’s easy for anyone who’s never had an addiction problem to say that. To tell me things are going to work out. Except what they don’t know is the underlying issues or what exactly the drugs were covering up. Felix and Danny never seemed to have the same problem as me. They could have a night out, get completely obliterated, and then they’re fine. They don’t continue to binge for days until they’re so depressed that they can barely move.

I rub my face. It’s selfish of me to think that Caroline didn’t have dreams outside of our household. It isn’t fair for me to expect her to come on the road with me every time I tour but she is the only person who keeps me grounded. She’s the only person who sees me as I am—a flawed man—not some big-shot rock star. And that’s why she deserves to do something bigger than being my wife.

******

A few hours into the studio session, my brain is stuck. Danny has created the perfect drumline for a song that we’ve been trying to finish for weeks. Felix has nailed the intricate guitar parts. But I can’t seem to write a lyric to save my life. I should have never given My Amazing Girl to The Talons. They have done incredible things with it, but it’s about my Caroline. Those lyrics were written at the beginning of our world tour before I had any idea what the song was going to be. She had been taking care of a sick Lottie and after getting our daughter to bed, instead of looking after herself, she had gone backstage and ensured that everything was set for me. Caroline’s always doing that. Ensuring that everyone in the world has things before she does. The song is completely Caroline’s and when she told me I should sell it to The Talons, I knew then she was doing it for one of her oldest friends, Rick Shaffer.

“I gotta go pick up Lottie.” I put down my pen. The blank page is staring back up at me—taunting me.

“Okay man. No problem. Maybe tomorrow the song will flow ya know?” Felix says.

“For sure. It’s probably a bit of a foggy mind since getting off tour.” I nod. I stand from my chair, and Danny and Felix wave at me before I head out the door.

Next to Caroline, no one in this world can replace Lottie. She’s the funniest little lass, and I still don’t know how I got so lucky to have a daughter like her. Lottie’s daycare is a block away from the studio, another perk of our neighbourhood.

“Dad!” Lottie calls from the courtyard. There’s a white iron fence that encloses the area. The red brick building emulates a school building. Children are buzzing around, running up to the playground, or chasing each other. My little blonde curly-haired daughter is too enamoured by my appearance to notice any of them.

“Hello, love.” I smile down at her. Lottie’s eye colour matches my own, but everything else is all Caroline.

“Can we go home?” she asks.

“Of course. Do you have your bag?” I look around and give a wave to Gloria Marchand, Lottie’s minder, and she nods in return. Lottie grabs her Paw Patrol backpack and runs to the gate. She rockets into my arms after it opens, and I squeeze her.

“Missed you, Dad,” she says into my shoulder.

“Missed you too, dolly.”

These moments make all the hard shit worth it. I drop her back to the ground, and she grabs my hand while I carry her back in my other. I notice people staring at us, nothing new, but it bothers me when I’m with Lottie. She didn’t choose this life; she shouldn’t have to be subjected to everything that comes along with fame. Though at five, she’s mostly oblivious to it.

“What do you say we make mum something nice for dinner?” I ask and Lottie beams at me.

“Yes!”

“What do you think she’ll like?”

“Uhm maybe macaroni and cheese?” Lottie taps her chin with one finger.

“That sounds like Lottie’s favourite dinner, not mum’s.” I wink at her, and she giggles.

“She does like it Dad. She told me!”

“Okay, okay. We can make that. I think we have everything at home we need. Are you going to help me or watch TV?”

“Maybe TV,” she says, and I laugh.

We continue to walk with Lottie singing random songs she’s made up. She gets that from me. I wonder if she’s going to follow in my footsteps and momentary panic flutters across my chest. I now know what my parents meant every time they sat me down for a chat about my drug abuse. There’s no way my daughter could go down this path. The thought vanishes when Lottie stops at the edge of our house.

“Shall we go inside?” I ask her before I punch in our gate code. Growing up in a small town outside of Belfast, there was never any need for gates, but in London with our high profile, I’d do anything to protect my girls.

“Dad, are you going to miss mum when we go back on tour without her?” She asks.

It’s an astute observation for such a young girl. We assume Lottie is never listening when we talk around her, but clearly, she has been.

“Of course, I am,” I say. The gate opens gradually when I type in the code. I usher Lottie inside, but she moves slow.

“Me too.” Lottie stares down at the ground.

“You know we’re going to see her as much as we can, and we can FaceTime her every night.” I crouch down, so I’m at her eye level.

“All right Dad.” Her face says she’s not convinced and I’m having a hard time persuading myself.

“But Uncle Felix is going to be there. That’ll be fun, right?” There is no one in this entire world Lottie loves as much as Felix. I wish I could say it was Caroline or me, even Candice, but no. She loves the rocker with the black hair and tattoos. It’s a foreshadowing of my life to come as she starts to date in her teens. If I have any say though, she won’t ever date.

“Yes!” She cheers and then sprints to our front door.

Unfortunately for me, having Felix on tour isn’t as big of a sell. I love the guy, but he’s not my wife.